House Boomtiful: Beach house decorating tips from Will Muschamp

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By Holly Anderson

It is May, and like ourselves, Will Muschamp has nothing to do, which is why he was able to take the time to sit down with us and discuss the fresh new look his coastal abode is sporting this offseason.

• I'm a bottom bunk man, and I don't think that makes me any less of an alpha male. Spear new mattresses with the crown of your helmet until the desired comfort level is achieved.

• Always have one surprise design element in every room. Joker's decorating my bathroom. The recruiting photoshops plastering the walls are not the surprise. The stingray in the toilet tank is the surprise. His name is Jellaby.

• It turns out sea biscuits are real, non-horse items. They are not good with butter and honey. For decorative use only.

• Cobra blood makes any blank wall a canvas limited only by your imagination. Break its neck for maximum fluid retention before transporting to your craft room.

• Wicker stands up well outdoors, and digests better than you'd think.

• Scatter broken shells on the floor of an outdoor shower to add beachy ambiance and toughen feet.

• You can never have too many beach towels. That's also true of most art museums as well, if you ask me.

• Saarinen tables keep smaller kitchens from looking too cluttered, and will almost always tilt harmlessly to the side when hit with a thrown lineman.

• Don't be afraid to incorporate architectural details into your playroom pillow forts. A belly-flop dive onto a whitewashed oak post and lintel door builds character and makes for a memorable night of abdominal scans.

• Vinyl upholstery wipes clean and adds a '50s retro flair, but is also more visually vulnerable to punctures from edged weapons. Choose wisely.

• Nautical accessories like heavy roping and real iron anchors add a seafaring air to the living room, and are handy defensive elements when Pictionary gets out of hand. (Not naming any real names, but IN WHAT WORLD WAS THAT A PINEAPPLE, JIMBO?)

• Floor-to-ceiling built-in bookcases create an illusion of higher ceilings and can provide a helpful launchpad for aerial subduing of opponents.

• Porthole windows add a jaunty look to any space and prevent escape. Semaphore flags are a popular decoration item, but refrain from using real ones to keep overnight guests from signaling for help.

• Most breakfast nooks can easily be converted into cookout-themed ball pits, with the help of just a few baby gates and a few thousand crumpled Sparks cans.

• Louvered doors used throughout the home invoke cherished memories of beach communities of the past, and are easily removed from hinges to provide shelter from wayward bottle rockets.

• Anything can be a boogie board, including your neighbor's car door.

• In a pinch, house paint can double as sunscreen and vice versa. Both also make a great marinade.

• Check your condo association bylaws for a "Pit Fighter clause." Odds are you won't find one.

• Pee in the ocean. It keeps the dolphins from thinking we're weak.