A few months ago, new Penn State coach James Franklin declared that he was going to #DominateTheStateOfTheUnion. We should have listened. The Big Ten mascots are now in Washington, D.C. to celebrate Rutgers and Maryland officially joining the conference, and any time you get this many mascots together, it's like something out of a disaster movie. They swarm, they destroy everything, they violate personal space and they do not follow strictly posted signage. One mascot is trouble. A full league of mascots is an epidemic.
To prepare ourselves, we've imagined a world in which the Big Ten mascots have already usurped the United States government. They wanted a footprint; they got a footprint. Every TV market in the dang country is now theirs. And leadership has been regulated into a cabinet that would likely give FDR a run for his money.
President: Purdue Pete, Purdue
A controversial decision, sure, but Pete is no Manchurian Candidate. He has seen waves of disappointment and frustration, allowing him to maintain his composure in a job as difficult as President of the United States. His first order of business? Appointing The Boilermaker to Special to Secretary of Transportation.
Vice President: Herky the Hawk, Iowa
Noble, stable and easy-going -- Herky is exactly the type to thrive in the Veep role. He won't make waves. He is often predictable, and he'll get steady results.
Secretary of State: Herbie Husker, Nebraska
I can't think of anybody better to represent our great nation than a big, beefy dude in denim wearing a cowboy hat. Go get 'em, Herbie. But for the love of all that is holy, keep Lil' Red away from any and all negotiations.
Secretary of the Treasury: The Wolverine statue in front of Michigan Stadium
As far as I'm concerned, this is filled with gold coins, chocolate or chocolate gold coins anyway.
Secretary of Defense + Secretary of Homeland Security: Sparty, Michigan State
He has a sword for pete's sake.
Secretary of the Interior: Scarlet Knight, Rutgers
We have to give the Scarlet Knight something to do to make it feel important. (Rutgers, you are a valued member of the Big Ten, and we think very highly of you. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.)
Secretary of Agriculture: Brutus Buckeye, Ohio State
A supremely critical position, Brutus has to keep all the land in B1G country safe, manage the forests, inspect food and advise the farming community. And Brutus is a Buckeye. Buckeyes grow on trees. (See, not all of these are that complicated. We have a guy who works for the railroad as our president.)
Secretary of Commerce: Goldy Gopher, Minnesota
Goldy has the nation's best interests at heart. He is warm and inviting, extremely affable and is up-to-date on the latest technology. He's going to do great.
Secretary of Labor: Bucky Badger, Wisconsin
A team as good at running the football as Wisconsin is a natural fit for the Department of Labor. Bucky will work hard and will take the job seriously. He'll represent the workers in a fair manner, and he'll be smiling the whole way.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Whomever Illinois ends up picking as its new mascot
They'll get to it eventually.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: The Hoosiers, Indiana
It's a big department with a lot of capable folks working side by side in harmony.
Secretary of Energy: Nittany Lion, Penn State
This is where James Franklin finally gets his chance. He stealthily subdued the original Nittany Lion and locked him in a dark room. With the head on, no one knows it's Franklin in the costume. His, well, energy level is high. He's lauded for his efforts. He's one step closer to #DominatingTheStateOfTheUnion.
Secretary of Education: Willie The Wildcat, Northwestern
This is something we know Northwestern can actually do without things ending in tears.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Testudo, Maryland
Testudo won't be any slower than any other person who has held this position in the past.