A Thousand Points Of Spite: A Burfict day

Tuesday September 27th, 2011

• Best performance art. Vontaze Burfict, we fear and revere you in equal measure.

• Scariest stats. Close to 30% of Tevin Washington's passes score touchdowns. Robert Griffin's touchdown passes now outnumber his incompletions. And 11 of Arkansas' 15 third-down plays Saturday gave them double-digit yards to make up.

• Best PDA. LSU's Sam Montgomery getting affectionate with an SEC ref.

• Best injury report. Steve Spurrier is listed as day-to-day with a sprained rage gland.

• Best sport. Clemson punter Dawson Zimmerman, who posted target="_blank">video of his own rude upheaval on Facebook. Runner-up: Erin Andrews rocking the coonskin.

• Best turndown service. Check out Tracy Wolfson's towel in Tuscaloosa!

• Best plague. The dragonfly infestation in SunLife Stadium.

• Biggest comedown. The Ohio Bobcats, who peaked here, then lost to Rutgers.

• Best Gameday signage. You win the pregame, West Virginia.

• Biggest daymare. Everybody keep reminding Randy Edsall that he said Maryland is his dream job, and that it's got to be somebody's dream to get blown out by Temple.

• Pret-a-Porter Award. We have nothing to add to the news that Paul Pasqualoni was stuck in an elevator for an hour on gameday.

• Most gracious guests. The horde of LSU fans who joined in multiple anti-Pitt chants Saturday afternoon in a Morgantown sports bar.

• Best sibling act. Zach Maynard's 90-yard touchdown connection with half-brother Keenan Allen was the longest reception in Cal history.

• Worst turned tables. North Carolina drew a very familiar end-of-game penalty against Georgia Tech.

• Heebiest jeebies. What's eating Blair Walsh?

• Lord Of All I Survey Award. Oregon's Mark Helfrich will open the hell out of some doors.

• Grape job! target="_blank">So helpful, Tajh BoydNice fence, Clemson bro!

• Safest cheerleaders. Oregon knows Arizona, and protects its fair ladies' noggins accordingly.

• Worst headline. "Neu attitude?" Daily News, GO TO YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT.

• Best reason to send your kid to a Big East program. Holgo'll make a passer out of him no matter where he is.

• Most obvious MAC shenanigans. The fix is in for the directional Michigan schools, clearly.

• Keep On Truckin' Award. Cox Sports' Lyn Rollins, fresh off the broadcast of LSU-West Virginia Saturday night, accepted a dare from his partner and yours truly to run up the hill behind Milan Puskar stadium in his dress shoes. On two surgically repaired knees, he did just that, and while he was on the way, we saw Eddie George hitch a ride up that same hill on a university golf cart. Journalists roll hard, y'all.

• Unlikeliest non-benching. Steve Spurrier is now just messing with all of us.

• Best cultural exchange. They love Mandel down in New Zealand.

• Live Ball Alert Award. No, seriously, there may be some sentient pigskins in Seattle and College Station.

• Award that most needs to exist. Melvin Ingram's existence cries out for the creation of the Fat Guy Heisman.

• Most unfortunate sponsor ad placement. Allstate this ball hit the upright.
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