A Thousand Points of Spite: Week 13 judginess
Anticipatory award for most unbearable pregame bowl coverage. So the Gator Bowl wants to pit Florida against Ohio State this January, does it? Can you imagine any scenario in which the current players and coaching strategies for the game at hand are afforded any airtime whatsoever, as the Once And Future Urbz Bowl is previewed? Just mute your television in advance, don a pair of hand puppets, and do it yourself: "Urban Meyer coached the Gators like this: Bleep bloop bleep! But he'll coach the Buckeyes like this: Bloop bleep bloop! Now, back to our TaxSlayer FanCam!"
Hottest Potato Bowl Not Actually Named After A Potato. But wait, the Tennessee loss to Kentucky makes sense if you look at it from a perspective of purposely tanking to keep a conference team, any conference team, out of the BBVA Compass Bowl. Have you seen Legion Field lately?
Special Achievement in Mathematics (the Bad Kind). No, but for real, look at some of this math that went into the Kentucky win. How much aerial offense did it take to beat the Vols? Fifteen yards, from the arm of a wide receiver. Yeeowch.
Best new BFF. target="_blank">This video is a pointed hatchet job edited with all the grace of a late-'90s PowerPoint presentation, but it delivers a perhaps unintended message that cannot be ignored: Man, do I wanna party with Kristi Malzahn. I'm completely serious. Anybody in the region looking for a pistol of an SID, you know who to call. (Copies of that video are getting yanked off YouTube as fast as they can be put back up again, so watch while you can.)
Best neonatal indoctrination program. Way to get 'em young, State of Alabama. Keep on keepin' on. Free bird.
Grape Job! Well, UVA, y'all had a good run. You didn't win your division, and you lost out on a shot at the Orange Bowl, but you'll always have this pristine memory of having one of your own linebackers mauled by an opposing wide receiver.
Truth To Power Participant Ribbon. Too often when a college football player says something halfway interesting on Twitter, he's immediately silenced by his school's designated social media handlers. Not so for Maryland DL A.J. Francis, whose biting Saturday tirade posted after a 56-41 season-ending loss to NC State remains visible to all on his feed:
"That's the worst s___ I've ever been involved with in my entire f___ing life...We let #TerpNation down every week since Labor Day and I promise to you all on my life that it will NEVER happen again...And contrary to popular belief, it's not just the coaches, it's the players, it's everybody...I'm as guilty as anyone else."
Mister Congeniality. Bobby Petrino stars in the first of two images destined to live in infamy as indelible emblems of the 2011 season. Edvard Munch Medal for Facial Contortion. The second features Michigan punter Will Hagerup having a very bad day with a dropped ball, and treating a delighted audience to a little silent Wilhelm Scream of his own devising.