Rankman's Annual Bowl-A-Palooza
The 2019 picks are in and let’s just say we hope bowl season goes better than national signing day just went for USC Coach Clay Helton. It’s getting harder to pick bowl games when you don’t know what teams really want to be there, who might sit out to protect his sixth-round NFL status, which interim coach gives a better pep talk or what star quarterback might be suspended three hours before kickoff. How do you account for the freak weather storm that washed out last year’s First Responder game that four people wanted to see? Based on results during the regular season, Rankman is avoiding point spreads this year and just choosing bowl winners. The usual reminders: Do not bowl text while driving and ONLY use these suggestions after consulting with a Witch Doctor. Do not consider these picks while operating heavy machinery unless you’re the guy scraping snow off the field before the Idaho Potato Bowl. Also, the Cheez-It Bowl is asking everyone to forget last year’s debacle and consider that this year’s game has upgraded to Air Force and Washington State. Good luck and good night.
40: Dec. 31, NOVA Home Loans Arizona, Georgia State (7-5) vs. Wyoming (7-5)
Don’t take out a home loan to bet this game but do note these teams scored wins this season over SEC East schools. Georgia State defeated Tennessee while Wyoming took out Missouri.
Winner: Wyoming
39: Dec. 21, Camellia, FIU (6-6) vs. Arkansas State (7-5)
FIU boasts an impressive win this year over a football power formerly known as the University of Miami. Catch him if you can: Ark State has a wide out, Omar Bayless, with 1,473 receiving yards.
Winner: Arkansas State
38: Jan. 2, Birmingham, Boston College (6-6) vs. Cincinnati (10-3)
Happy New Year? Cincinnati’s best win is a 42-0 loss to Ohio State while Boston College mercifully fired Steve Adazzio just in time to keep him from winning seven games again.
Winner: Cincinnati
37: Dec. 21, Air Force Reserve Celebration, Alcorn State (9-3) vs. North Carolina A&T (8-3)
Rankman, after careful study of this SWAC vs MEAC celebration in Atlanta, flipped a commemorative silver dollar and it came up Alcorn.
Winner: Alcorn State
36: Dec. 26, Walk On’s Independence, Miami (6-6) vs. Louisiana Tech (9-3)
God bless Miami great Jerome Brown (RIP), who would have walked OUT of this bowl announcement the way he led his team out of that Fiesta Bowl press conference before playing Penn State. “Fellas, let’s go.”
Winner: La. Tech
35: Dec. 20, Tropical Smoothie Café Frisco, Utah State (7-5) vs. Kent State (6-6)
Kent fans are warned against screaming “We're the Golden Flashes!” in certain parts of the city, while the Utah kids will be locked in their rooms until two hours before kickoff.
Winner: Utah State
34: Dec. 26, Quick Lane, Pittsburgh (7-5) vs. Eastern Michigan (6-6)
Former Pitt stars Tony Dorsett, Dan Marino and Mike Ditka have all agreed NOT to be honored before, during or after the worst possible idea for a bowl staged the day after Christmas. Note: Eastern Michigan defeated Illinois, which defeated Wisconsin.
Winner: Eastern Michigan
33: Jan. 3, Famous Idaho Potato, Ohio (6-6) vs. Nevada (7-5)
The only “famous” thing in this game is the potato. Ohio is still coached (quite well) by former Tom Osborne side-kick Frank Solich…Nevada somehow defeated Purdue in the same season it lost to Oregon and Hawaii by the combined score of 131-9.
Winner: Ohio
32: Jan. 4, Lockheed Martin Armed Forces, Tulane (6-6) vs. Southern Miss (7-5)
Two high-flying offenses plus homemade biscuits flown in from recent Food Channel “grandma” bake-off contests in New Orleans and Hattiesburg.
Winner: Tulane
31: Dec. 30, Redbox, Illinois (6-6) vs. California (7-5)
Game perimeter will be lined with yellow caution viewing tape and could be less exciting than last year’s Redbox in which Oregon and Michigan State combined to score 13 points. Cal arrives a year after playing in last year’s worst bowl: Cheez-It.
Winner: Cal
30: Jan. 6, Mobile Alabama, Louisiana (10-3) vs. Miami of Ohio (8-5)
Miami of Ohio is “just ok” playing on a Monday but is much more comfortable in the normal Tuesday-Wednesday football time slots favored in the MAC.
Winner: Louisiana
29: Dec. 20, Makers Wanted Bahamas, Buffalo (7-5) vs. Charlotte (7-5)
Snow-bound Buffalo players warned about certain melons and melanoma as they prepare for Charlotte, flying in on Virgin Atlantic to celebrate its first bowl experience.
Winner: Buffalo
28: Dec. 21, Cure, Georgia Southern (7-5) vs. Liberty (7-5)
Skinny on what could be a very entertaining game: Ga. Southern beat Appalachian State once this year and Liberty beat New Mexico State twice.
Winner: Georgia Southern
27: Dec. 30, First Responder, Western Kentucky (8-4) vs. Western Michigan (7-5)
Last year’s First Responder game between Boston College and Boise State lasted only 10 minutes before the game was canceled due to severe weather. This year’s game has added special sideline reporter Jim Cantore.
Winner: WKU
26: Dec. 21, R+L Carriers New Orleans, Appalachian State (12-1) vs. UAB (9-4)
App State averaging nearly 40 points a game is perfect for this high-choleric plate in a city where every pregame meal will be cooked in duck fat and and sprinkled with powdered sugar.
Winner: Appalachian State
25: Dec. 27, New Era Pinstripe, Wake Forest (8-4) vs. Michigan State (6-6)
Players from both squads agree to risk their ligaments in exchange for a gift bag just months before Gerrit Cole starts banking $324 million at Yankee Stadium working every fifth day.
Winner: Wake Forest
24: Dec. 30, Franklin American Mortgage Music City, Mississippi State (6-6) vs. Louisville (7-5)
More cowbell? Unfortunately, no. Mississippi State fans will not be allowed to bring cowbells to the Music City Bowl for fear it might sound better than anything produced in Nashville these days.
Winner: Louisville
23: Dec. 31, Tony the Tiger Sun, Florida State (6-6) vs. Arizona State (7-5)
A rare CBS bowl game meaning analyst Gary Danielson will pick up his argument as to why Georgia deserved a playoff spot. This game would have been a much better match-up in 1996.
Winner: Arizona State
22: Dec. 23, Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla, UCF (9-3) vs. Marshall (8-4)
Marshall Coach Doc Holliday is 6-0 against the spread in bowl games and his team is getting 18 bad boys against Disney World. But that sounds like gambling so we’ll 86 our bookie and just straight-up stick with Central Florida.
Winner: UCF
21: Dec. 21, New Mexico, San Diego State (9-3) vs. Central Michigan (8-4)
San Diego State has one of the best defenses in the nation while Central Michigan players vow to chip away for four quarters.
Winner: San Diego State
20: Jan. 2, TaxSlayer Gator, Tennessee (7-5) vs. Indiana (8-4)
Game goes on despite Hoosiers' failure to reveal on bowl application form they haven’t defeated a team with a winning record. Tennessee reluctantly reports it lost to Georgia State at home but still finished tied for third in the SEC East.
Winner: Tennessee
19: Dec. 27, Military, North Carolina (6-6) vs. Temple (8-4)
A 6-6 record would have gotten Mack Brown fired a lot of years at Texas, yet his rebuild in Chapel Hill this year will be remembered as one of finest achievements. If only his OC had called a better play on that two-point try to beat Clemson.
Winner: North Carolina
18: Dec. 31, Belk, Kentucky (7-5) vs. Virginia Tech (8-4)
Belk is pulling its sponsorship of this Charlotte-based game after this game but insists it has nothing to do with Va. Tech being unable to beat Boston College or Duke this season.
Winner: Kentucky
17: Dec. 27, Academy Sports & Outdoors Texas, Oklahoma State (8-4) vs. Texas A&M (7-5)
Gundy spikes the Christmas party punch bowl after finding out five of TAMU’s wins came against Texas State, Lamar, UTSA, Arkansas and Mississippi.
Winner: Oklahoma State
16: Dec. 28, Camping World,Notre Dame (10-2) vs. Iowa State (7-5)
The Irish chose not to play in a bowl game from 1925 to 1970, but here they are now trying to fire up their subway base for a camping trip against the University of Pup Tent.
Winner: Notre Dame
15: Dec. 30, Capital One Orange, Florida (10-2) vs. Virginia (9-4)
Virginia is believed to be the first four-loss team, with a phony No. 24 ranking, coming off a 45-point loss, to be welcomed by a marching band into a major bowl-week environment.
Winner: Florida
14: Dec. 27, Cheez-It, Air Force (10-2) vs. Washington State (6-6)
Game has already been declared “Fifty-Times Better!” than last year’s Cheez-It featuring Cal and TCU, in which there were more interceptions (nine) than Cal had points (seven).
Winner: Air Force
13: Dec. 24, SoFi Hawaii, Hawaii (9-5) vs. BYU (7-5)
Also known as winter retreat for the LDS Church, which established itself in Hawaii in 1850 following the Edict of Toleration promulgated by King Kamehameha III. Any overt act of “promulgation” during this game will be subject to a five-yard penalty plus loss of down.
Winner: Hawaii
12: Dec. 31, AutoZoneLiberty, Navy (10-2) vs. Kansas State (8-4)
K-State is the only team to defeat Oklahoma this year while Navy is the only team with a quarterback who rushed for more than 300 yards against Army without attempting a pass.
Winner: Kansas State
11: Dec. 28, Goodyear Cotton, Penn State (10-2) vs. Memphis (12-1)
If Memphis wins four male cheerleaders in Tallahassee are prepared to put ex-coach coach Mike Norvell on their shoulders and carry him down the football offices hallway at Florida State.
Winner: Penn State
10: Dec. 21, Cheribundi Boca Raton, SMU (10-2) vs. FAU (10-3)
Why should we give a Raton’s Ass? FAU Coach Lane Kiffin cut-and-ran and is now kissing babies at Ole Miss but that shouldn’t stop this from being a good game for grownups who like points, umbrella drinks, sunny weather and SMU Coach Sonny Dykes.
Winner: SMU
9: Dec. 27, Holiday, USC (8-4) vs. Iowa (9-3)
Clay Helton, who may have kept his job by giving president Carol Folt a game ball after UCLA, promises her the “best shrimp taco in San Diego” if Trojans beat Hawkeyes.
Winner: USC
8: Dec. 21, Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas, Washington (7-5) vs. Boise State (12-1)
Pitting Chris Petersen, in his last game, against his former school, was a brilliant move by the match-makers and now calls for both teams playing out of Boise State's 2006 kitchen-sink playbook.
Winner: Washington
7: Dec. 31, Valero Alamo, Utah (10-2) vs. Texas (7-5)
Utah promises to play better than it did in its prime-time flop against Oregon in the Pac 12 Championship game. Texas promises it will tackle better than it did for most of September through November.
Winner: Utah
6: Jan. 1, Outback, Auburn (9-3) vs. Minnesota (10-2)
Auburn has played a brutal schedule and is 2-2 versus the top 10. Minnesota has played “a” schedule and is 0-1 vs the top 10.
Winner: Auburn
5: Jan. 1, Allstate Sugar, Georgia (11-2) vs. Baylor (11-2)
The NCAA Tournament used to have a consolation “third place” game for teams that almost got to the national championship. In college football this year it’s called “Sugar Bowl.”
Winner: Baylor
4: Jan. 1, VRBO Citrus, Alabama (10-2) vs. Michigan (9-3)
Both coaches vow to put on their holiday game faces before getting back to what really matters: beating their arch-rivals. Nick Saban has lost two of his last three against Auburn while Jim Harbaugh is still winless in five tries versus Ohio State.
Winner: Alabama
3: Jan. 1, Rose, Oregon (10-2) vs. Wisconsin (10-3)
A rematch of the classic 2012 Granddaddy in which Oregon outscored Wisconsin, 45-38, and held Russell Wilson’s offense to only 508 total yards. Both teams have since invested in a couple of tackling dummies.
Winner: Oregon
2: Dec. 28, Chick-fil-A Peach, LSU (13-0) vs. Oklahoma (12-1)
Has Joe Burrow’s Heisman Trophy speech ended yet? Also: Title sponsor insists this national semifinal game in Atlanta conclude at midnight because Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays.
Winner: LSU
1: Dec. 28, PlayStation Fiesta, Ohio State (13-0) vs. Clemson (13-0)
These are not the same Buckeyes who lost, 31-0, to Clemson the last time the schools met in the Fiesta Bowl. These are, though, the same Buckeyes who trailed at the half to Wisconsin, 21-7, just a couple of weeks ago.
Winner: Ohio State