Photo credit should read JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images
Programing Note: The Lineup will be taking a wedding-related week-long hiatus starting tomorrow. I've taught you everything I know. If you end up watching the Kardashians in my absence, I take no responsibility. (All times Eastern)
Soccer Gold Cup Semifinals: USA vs. Honduras, 7:00p.m. & Mexico vs. Panama, 10:00p.m. (Fox Soccer Channel)
SI's Grant Wahl described the field at Cowboys Stadium—home of tonight's matches—as "a bit like what might happen if you asked a friend with no prior knowledge to perform hair-transplant surgery on you." The artificial turf is reportedly laid directly over concrete, and feels like it. This may be the rare soccer game where people believe the guy rolling on the ground holding his leg has actually hurt himself.
Soccer UEFA Women's Euro Semifinal: Sweden vs. Germany, 2:15p.m. (ESPN3)
If there was ever an opportunity for the Germans, who've won seven of the last eight women's Euro titles, to be knocked off, it's by the scrappy Swedes. Their coach, Pia Sundhage,won two Olympic golds as head of the U.S. team. Now she's ready to make the Germans Pia in their pants. (… Rimshot? Maybe? Anyone?)
MLB Tampa Bay Rays vs. Boston Red Sox, 7:00p.m. (ESPN & ESPN3)
Dustin Pedroia got himself paid. Expect him to have gained about 25 pounds and let the beard grow to a scraggly mess before tonight's first pitch.
High School Basketball AAU Super Showcase: Howard Pulley vs. BABC, 7:00p.m. (ESPNU & ESPN3)
The No. 3 high school prospect for 2014, Tyus Jones, just happens to be best friends with the No. 1 prospect Jahlil Okafor. I've already drawn your attention to Okafor; now's the chance to catch Jones before they team up in college and spoil everyone else's fun.
TV Spell-Maggedon 9:00p.m. (ABC Family)
Coming up next on ABC Family! Watch people recite the pledge of allegiance while fringe celebrities shoot them with BB guns.