By Dan Treadway
April 09, 2014

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By their nature, movies usually require at least some suspension of disbelief from the viewer. This is especially true of sports movies, in which the near impossible (or straight-up impossible) often needs to happen in order to progress the story.

Still, some cinematic athletes are really pushing it. There's no fictional universe in which some of these characters could be succeed at athletics. That said, here are 11 sports movie characters who in all likelihood would suck at their sport in real life.

Please note that the omission of Air Bud was intentional. Just a great athlete.

Russ Tyler in D2: The Mighty Ducks

Never mind the leap in physics logic it takes to accept the knucklepuck as a viable hockey shot. The main issue I have with Russ Tyler's signature move is that it took entirely too much time to set up.


Theoretically, if the knucklepuck were to work at some point (they gave him enough time to say a catchphrase before he actually shot) it would be at the top of everyone's scouting report and never work again.

Here's how that scouting report would read:

"Don't let the kid who stops on the ice and audibly says 'It's knucklepuck time' shoot the puck."

Boom. Done. Team Iceland wins the championship in a cakewalk.


Will Ferrell in every movie that Will Ferrell plays an athlete

Sure, call me a skeptic, but somehow I doubt that Jackie Moon, Ricky Bobby, and Chazz Michael Michaels would have all risen to the pinnacles of their respective sports in real life.

Jackie Moon was a tweener that lacked the height to be a true big man and the athleticism to be a guard. Also, check out this obvious 10-second free throw violation:

Ricky Bobby sold sponsorship space on his windshield to Fig Newton:

And Chazz Michael Michaels... well, just no:


Happy Gilmore in Happy Gilmore

Anyone who has been to a driving range has given it a try -- there's no shame in admitting it. But alas, the Happy Gilmore swing is not an actual thing. Even if it was, the other holes in Gilmore's game were so gaping that it's unlikely he even would have won the Waterbury Open, the amateur tournament where he committed his very first golf-related felony assault:


Sylvester Stallone in Rocky

Okay, I get it, he had a lot of heart. But heart can only make up for so many shots to the head.



Bobby Boucher in The Waterboy

While Boucher, the main character in The Waterboy, had the drive and tenacity to be a fierce pass rusher, there's little chance that he would have been able to lead the inept Mud Dogs to the Bourbon Bowl in real life. Even looking past the myriad personal foul penalties he would have accrued (mostly for violating the targeting rule), Boucher had absolutely no gap discipline. A team running the read-option would have been able to burn the Mud Dogs on pretty much every possession by simply baiting Boucher into tackling the wrong ball carrier. Now whether that team would have enough players on the roster to sacrifice to Boucher's crushing hits is an entirely different debate.


Willie Mays Hayes in Major League

The classic sports comedy Major League turned 25 on Monday, and to honor the flick, Big League Stew compiled 15 little known facts about the movie. Perhaps the most interesting is that center fielder Willie Mays Hayes never throws a baseball during film. The reason for this was that Wesley Snipes had never played baseball before filming the movie and thus couldn't throw a ball convincingly. I'm no sabermetrician, but I think most experts agree that the ability to throw a baseball is a desirable quality in a center fielder.


The Hanson Brothers in Slap Shot

The Hanson Brothers characters were in fact inspired by a real life trio of brothers named The Carlsons, two of whom actually appeared in Slap Shot. But suffice to say, the Hansons were a little more brutal than the Carlsons ever were. If the actions in clip above occurred during a real game, it would undoubtedly be the last time that the Hanson brothers would be allowed to participate in a professional hockey game. In all likelihood they probably would serve time.


Henry Rowengartner in Rookie of the Year

Ignoring the fact that Henry Roadenhowser was four years too young to even sign a contract with the Cubs, the real farce in Rookie of the Year is the notion that he would have any success as a pitcher. Even if Gardenhoser had the ability to throw the heat due to an injury that makes no sense, it's very doubtful that he would have possessed the concentration and poise to face -- and strike out -- major league hitters. Plus the one time he had to bat, everyone in attendance had legitimate concerns that he was going to die. With all respect to Goenrader, I think his major league career would likely have consisted of one pitch quickly followed by Tommy John surgery.


Thornton Melon in Back to School

He would clearly die.


Willie Beamen in Any Given Sunday

Undersized third-string quarterbacks with a poor grasp of the playbook and an inability to avoid big hits generally don't thrive in the NFL. That being said, Willie Beamen still probably could have started for the Jaguars last season.


Michael Oher in The Blind Side

In the movie (and much superior book) The Blind Side, Michael Oher is portrayed as a young man with an inspiring story who just happens to be a can't-miss NFL prospect. While in reality Oher's story is still inspiring, his NFL career has thus far fallen short of the lofty standards it was expected to meet. At the conclusion of his rookie contract, the Baltimore Ravens let Michael Oher walk -- likely because he has struggled in pass protection, run blocking and has been penalty-prone in the years following his stellar rookie season. Most consider Oher to be a serviceable NFL player -- he doesn't suck -- but simply being okay is a far cry from what was expected based on the phenom we saw played by Quinton Aaron in The Blind Side.

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