By Luke Winkie
September 03, 2014

Is the SEC actually Sauron? It’s a question that’s been asked since the beginning of time. It’s a fair thing to ponder; after all, we don’t have many reasons not to think the SEC resembles the pure embodiment of evil.

As a reputable journalistic institution, we can’t just ignore these accusations that Steve Spurrier was leading charges into Helm’s Deep. So with that in mind, we decided to break down the claim of the SEC/Sauron correlation (a claim that we made ourselves) into convenient lists of evidence for and against the SEC being Sauron. These are just the facts folks. It’s up to you to decide.

EVIDENCE FOR:

  1. Both are staunch traditionalists that are philosophically incapable of believing the world would be better off without their rampant influence.
  2. Both fuse their soldiers in a demented, underground forge, imbuing them with a basic sense of tactics, and using them up physically and mentally in about three years or so.
  • Mordor actually looks a lot like Alabama.
  • Both have tapped their influence into ordinary men turning them into empty vessels of obsession, like Gollum or Nick Saban.
  • Much as the pathways to Mount Doom have been lost through generations, nobody really knows how to get to Auburn.
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    EVIDENCE AGAINST:

    1. Unlike Sauron, the SEC has no fundamental vulnerabilities.
    2. While Sauron prefers his obsidian battlegear, the SEC has a lot of white uniforms.
  • At the very least, Sauron's troops kinda look cool.
  • Mack Brown will never return as Mack Brown the White.
  • Unlike Sauron, no man is brave enough to face the SEC.
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