Loose Change: A Nonis bonus and more - The Hockey News on Sports Illustrated

Loose Change: A Nonis bonus and more

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The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Don't know much about this Fantasy Hockey everyone seems so obsessed about but, in the first round, I'd like to draft the Islanders Ice Girls. If, apparently, this isn't a valid pick, that word Fantasy is really annoyingly misleadingÂ…

That Vancouver GM David Nonis can be really bitchy when he wants to. Yes, complaining about relaxed free agency rules is a valid point and, yes, teams in the west do get royally reamed with the unbalanced schedule, but then to complain about the high cost of staples in Vancouver and that ugly guy on Survivor seems a tad misguided and well, whiny.

The Pittsburgh Penguins choosing to keep junior eligible prospect Jordan Staal on the NHL roster means the average age of the team is now 12.4. In addition, nine players in the lineup do not have driver's licenses. Six players have paper routes. And four players are still nursing.

To me personally, Anze Kopitar will always be the traditional Klingon greeting from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (usually said prior to an epic battle or when someone on the Space Station was “about to get some”.

I'm beginning to think Tuomo Ruutu is just one of those urban myths like Jack The Ripper and The Easter Bunny. Or maybe more like that rodent who pops his head out of the gopher hole on the 1st of February to predict the future. If Ruutu sees his shadow, six more weeks of rehab. If he doesn't see his shadow, well, eight more weeks of rehab.

Steve Ott fractures his ankle in a fight with Tom Kostopoulos and is out of the Stars' lineup for two months. So, people, what have we learned? (a) fighting can cause serious injuries (b) beware of the Greeks (c) don't lead with your feet.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com