Loose Change: I see all

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The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

All you know the drill. You've seen Johnny Carson do Carnac the Magnificent. If not, rent the tape, late night didn't begin with Jimmy Kimmel you know.

Well, we here at The Hockey News have our own clairvoyant, all-knowing truth seer and his name is Swammi Bob. He's isn't an actual Swammi, but has a thing for Bollywood and thinks saris are sexy. He's a Gemini, collects mufflers from old Buicks and...well, let's leave that for another day.

And now, without further ado, Swammi BobÂ…

“It's only been driven once.”

“Seriously honey, nothing happened.”

“I guarantee we'll make the playoffs.”

Name three things you never want to hear from Don Waddell.

The White House

Where Tyler Wright lives, according to Elmer Fudd.

Minnie Pearl; Johnny Cash; The Stanley Cup.

What are three things you won't be seeing in Nashville anytime soon?

Cristobal Huet or the Nazis

Who deserves a parade through Paris and who doesn't?

A broken abacus; a calculator with no battery; Eddie Belfour's back.

Name three things you can't count on.

Spare parts; death threats; unemployment

What Mike O'Connell got for Joe Thornton

Nikolai Khabibulin; Mount Rushmore; Dolly Parton.

Arrange three busts in descending order.

Spawning whales; Todd Bertuzzi; snow

What are three things you won't see in Vancouver by mid-summer?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com