The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
One of the many things that separates you, the insatiable hockey reader, from the highly creative geniuses (or is it genii?) here at Loose Change is our esteemed life of privilege. You'd like believe in all that all men are created equal mumbo jumbo but, frankly, some of us are much higher up on the food chain. Consider it our burden to bear.
A prime example of this is a message I received recently via candygram, inviting me to partake in something called the Canadian Pond Hockey Championship happening this weekend in Huntsville an undisclosed location. I simply had to reply with my acceptance, provide proof of my age, complete a short IQ test, payment of the entry in full, reserve a hotel room for the minimum two nights, bring at least three pucks and be available for a little light yard work. Meanwhile, you're forced to sit on a soggy snowbank, drink beer and watch us play. Such is the life of grandeur for The Chosen Few.
We have to admit, we're a little nervous. Having grown up with pond hockey we anticipate few problems, but still there are those variables and, this time, we won't have the luxury of old Lucky the Lab by our side chasing pucks (crossed paths with a Skoda in '82 Â– sad story, really).
I personally have prepared as best I can for this monumental return to glory, spending the last few weeks shooting pucks into marshmallow bags to replicate the cheapest alternative to actual snow. I have also perfected the toque on offense/balaclava on defense clothing switch so well I can complete it in just less than eight seconds (I may have misread the rules on that one). I am also well aware of the don't-eat-yellow-snow rule, but feel obliged to add or-brown as a corollary.
And, as we head towards the weekend and the end of this column, let us leave you with that most beloved of Friday THN.com staples, The Top 12 List (which is now, incredibly, in its 156th year). The topic for today?
My Top 12 Concerns about having to play Pond Hockey this Weekend:
12 where do I park my boat?
11 are raccoons out-of-play again this year?
10 the inexact science of snowbank physics
9 standing in amongst too many fat guys
8 where to put my snorkel
6 having my Life Vest inflate unexpectedly
5 I shovel like a girl
4 pulling my goalie at the wrong time
3 polar bear attacks
2 I haven't been able to locate the Outdoor Jock they keep recommending
1 the Jack Daniels factor
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com