Loose Change: Russian bare - The Hockey News on Sports Illustrated

Loose Change: Russian bare

Publish date:

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Not sure if anyone's noticed, but this junior Super Series between Canada and Russia hasn't exactly been compelling entertainment.

The concept – a 35th anniversary rematch between the two “leading” hockey nations – is a good one on paper, but, then again, so is Reservoir Dogs: The Musical. Watching these two fight it out is like watching a Sherman tank battle a picnic basket.

The series started out promising - but then they dropped the puck. Canada's apparent supremacy showed up pretty early by overcoming a Game 1 two-goal deficit and winning that contest – and the next couple – by scores of 6-1, 6-1, and 7-6 (Canada broke serve 15 times and had incredible net play).

Strangely, this Summit Series is the brainchild of former Soviet goaltending great Vladislav Tretiak. Perhaps all those years of stopping slap shots with a facemask made of tinfoil has finally caught up to him. They say the inability to properly play the angles is the first sign of senility in a goalie.

Of course, he couldn't have known the disparity between the two countries had become so pronounced. Canada has evidently become King Kong in the world of hockey while Russia is a ball of lint in Fay Wray's discarded pantyhose.

What this Russian team needs is some of what that 1972 Russian team had.

They could use their passion and their determination.

They could use Boris Mikhailov's wizardry with the puck.

They could use Aleksandr Gusev's stellar defense.

They could use Valery Kharlamov's incredible scoring ability.

Not metaphorically, I mean right now. Those guys.

I know one of them is dead and the other two are, what, in their 90s?

It certainly can't hurt.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com



Ryan and Akil's Excellent Adventure

The prospects from Edmonton and Los Angeles are two Canadian kids getting game experience in Europe right now - and learning just how different food can be over there.


COVID-19 will put a damper on Stanley Cup celebrations in 2020

In normal years, each member of the winning team gets the Stanley Cup for a day to share with his family and friends, but we all know that 2020 has been anything but a normal year.


What were the Coyotes thinking when they drafted Mitchell Miller?

Arizona's first pick in the 2020 draft has a checkered past that includes assaulting a Black, mentally disabled teen four years ago. Even if he has changed, Miller is going to have a difficult time changing people's minds about him.