Loose Change: Secret agents and the Top 12 List

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The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

- As far as Boston Bruins' goaltenders go, I think Gerry Cheevers is still, by far, the best. I mean right now, at age 67.

- Gary Agnew was told two things when he took over the coaching reins of the Columbus Blue Jackets this week: (1) we want results and (2) keep your vehicle running.

- HmmmÂ…Alexander Ovechkin is choosing an agent. Don Meehan is clever, successful, resourceful and determined. Alex's mom makes a mean plate of Borsch. HmmmÂ…Should have stayed awake in Home Ec classes, shouldn't you Don?

- It's unfortunate when a feeble limb, something as basic as an ankle can keep an athlete from performing to his ability and might, in fact, be cause for more drastic, dire and terrible measures. Peter who? I was talking about Barbaro.

- To most, Herb Brooks will always be associated with The Miracle on Ice. For me personally, it's Alexandre Daigle. How'd he ever get there? I mean, really?

Top 12 Reasons Metallurg's injunction against Evgeni Malkin failed:

12. Bailiff, ex-Russian Mail Order Bride

11. Missed court appearance, still on Vladivostok time

10. Accordion player never really had the crowd

9. District Court more an Omsk room

8. Russian Counsel Sam Waterston wouldn't shut up about “financial planning”

7. Judge mauled by a bear from the Moscow Circus when she was nine

6. Opening act Yakov Smirnoff bombed terribly

5. Plaintiff's attorney reeked of vodka

4. Penguins brought John Glenn, Russians had near-sighted monkey

3. Malkin used the Puppydog Face defense

2. Surprise witness: Paul Henderson

1. Rubles don't buy judges the way they used to

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com