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Loose Change: Well said

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There are certain certainties in life: death, taxes, Oprah.

Conversely, there are those things in life that will never occur: Teri Hatcher returning my phone calls, for example.

The real world and the hockey world really aren't that different. Whereas you'll never hear that gravity wasn't working that day, you'll also never hear that Nik Antropov was. Or to hear a zebra has no backbone, but Todd Bertuzzi does. Some things will just never, ever be said, in the world or at the rink.

Herein, 25 phrases you'll never hear uttered in the world of hockey:

1. “Wayne who?”

2. “Our new arena was inspired by the one in Pittsburgh.”

3. “Zhamnov can't carry this team on his own, guys.”

4. “A beer? Sure, I guess this once.”

5. “Y'know, without me Ovechkin's a third-liner.”

6. “Henrik, about all these fighting majors…”

7. “Mr. Roenick has no comment on the subject.”

8. “Shrewd trade, Mr. Milbury.”

9. “Hold on guys, I think I lost a tooth!”

10. “It's compliments of Mr. Jacobs.”

11. “Goal scored by No. 16, Brian McGrattan.”

12. “Why can't you play more like Aki Berg?”

13. “Careful of that archway Mr. Bettman.”

14. “I guess we could always find some Hawks' tickets through scalpers.”

15. “We just couldn't keep up with the Italians.”

16. “Welcome back, Mr. Goodenow.”

17. “It's another network bidding war.”

18. “It's a third straight Lady Byng for Kasparaitis.”

19. “Mr. McCarty, GQ on Line 2.”

20. “Which sticks are yours Zdeno?”

21. “Nice suit, Mr. Cherry.”

22. “Our first priority is re-signing Yashin.”

23. “That Brian Burke's always so chipper.”

24. “I like Messier's hair that way.”

25.“It's been a real thrill to bring the Stanley Cup back home to Toronto.”

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com