Loose Change: What I learned about Joe Sakic - The Hockey News on Sports Illustrated

Loose Change: What I learned about Joe Sakic

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Perhaps you read about it in Snowblowing Today or possibly Reconstructive Hand Injuries Quarterly, but just in case you missed it, the story goes something like this:

Avalanche center Joe Sakic injured his hand while trying to dislodge some wet snow from his snowblower and underwent tricky reconstructive surgery Tuesday to repair five broken bones and some damaged tendons in his hand and will be out of the Colorado lineup for the next three months.

The story says a lot and there’s so much to learn from Joe’s ordeal:

• Joe lives in a snowy, but somewhat more temperate part of town. There was snow, but it was wet – meaning he either lives slightly closer to the equator or beside a taco stand.

• Joe is fastidious. He just had to get that snow cleared even though he owns eight SUVs – if one gets stuck, grab another. One of them is bound to make it out of the driveway.

• Joe is cheap. He tried to save a couple bucks buying a cheaper snowblower model instead of getting the elite model, which the manufacturer guarantees against all clogging.*

* Unless actual clogs are jammed in the machine, in which case the warranty is void.

• Joe is boy-scout smart. He did turn off the snowblower before attempting to remove the obstruction. Of course, boy scouts do occasionally get mauled by bears when they get their carnivorous mammal defensive tactics mixed up.

• Joe, however, is not well-versed in basic mechanics – he has to think of torque like an oven. Even when it’s just been turned off it can still kick your ass. I guess that’ll teach you to fall asleep during Miss Grant’s physics class.

• Joe breezed over the fine print on his contract. Page 47, Subsection 4, Paragraph 8: “Mr. Sakic will not enter into any dangerous activities like BASE jumping, alligator surfing, or – I don’t know – putting your hand into a powerful machine that shreds and ruptures things. Seriously Joe, do we have to even specify this?” (Notarized)

• Joe has the pain threshold of a Tibetan monk. He’s already expected to miss at least six weeks with a herniated disk in his back, yet he insists on pushing clunky machinery around. I bet he wanted to do his own surgery, too.

• Joe is a very lucky man. Sure he survived the ordeal, but he had the accident and the surgery on the same day! Someone was planning ahead.

• Joe plays favourites. His left hand was sent in to get mangled, while his right hand sat back and idly watched the carnage unfold. Come to think of it, his right hand is also the top hand on his hockey stick. Despicable.

• Joe picked a really cheap hospital. Three pins for five broken bones?

• Joe is three credits shy of a medical degree. He’s been in more hospitals this year than Chlamydia.

• Joe keeps re-writing the record books. This time the record book is actually a dictionary and Joe’s entry is the word snowblowaphobia. Support group meets Tuesdays (right after surgery).

The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com