While leafing through the reading material at the local grocery store’s checkout line this weekend, I saw that alleged singer Ashlee Simpson and her bass-playing husband named their child Bronx Mowgli.
That’s correct – Bronx Mowgli. Sounds more like a crude bedroom act than a decent name for a child, but as someone who once worked with large databases of names – and encountered beauties such as Manley Lavender, Ebony Blackman (who I always hoped was a Chinese member of the Jewish faith) and the unforgettable sister trio of Peaches, Petal and Persia Nelson – I’m never surprised at the passive-aggressive punishments delivered via birth certificate.
Nevertheless, I still fear the hockey world will one day be invaded by teeming hordes of Moon Units, Pilot Inspektors and Jermajestys.
So let’s attempt to head that future travesty off at the pass by identifying a handful of first names that should be preemptively banned by the NHL and NHLPA as soon as possible, before any parent of a potential NHLer gets creepily creative.
1. ZamBono. You have to know there’s a devoted fan of U2 out there who also obsesses over fresh sheets of ice.
2. Lowerbodyinjury. Upon further reflection, this is appropriate if your father is employed as an NHL GM.
3. Pear Juice. A pioneering Swedish family staked first claim on this one a few decades ago; we ought to respect their legacy.
4. Over. This applies only to any children fathered by Hawks forward Ben Eager.
5. Any name for a child born to Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers' son and Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond’s daughter. Especially if they really like R.J. Umberger’s given names.
6. Umberger, Boogaard, Latendresse, Huet, and Zalapski. The use of these should be limited solely to those who hold the same surnames. Because who wouldn’t pay NHL ticket prices to see Boogaard Boogaard take on Huet Huet?
Adam Proteau, co-author of the book The Top 60 Since 1967, is writer and columnist for The Hockey News and a regular contributor to THN.com. His blog appears Mondays, his Ask Adam feature appears Fridays and his column, Screen Shots, appears Thursdays.
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