All I want for the holidays

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Gift-giving time, and what exactly do you get for the league that already has everything? How about ....

• Pants for Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen, so he'll never have to go tooling around Detroit in the nude again.

• A brass spittoon for Terrell Owens, who has been known to take aim in the wrong direction from time to time.

• A kicker to count on for Bill Parcells. If he didn't already bleach his hair that shade of blonde, the Cowboys' kicking woes the past few years would have turned the Tuna's hair albino white.

• A Super Bowl trip for LaDainian Tomlinson, so the game's most electrifying player can perform on the game's grandest stage.

• A quick, unambiguous decision-making process for Brett Favre, so neither he nor we spend the offseason playing the game known as "will-he-or-won't-he?''

• A postseason of accomplishment for Marty Schottenheimer, so he can erase the "Yeah, but ...'' from his career coaching record. All those regular season wins, but all those playoff disappointments. Maybe his best is being saved for last.

• A radio show for Jim Mora and his dad ("Mora and Mora in the morning?''), so they can say exactly what's on their mind without fear of being taken either seriously or out of context.

• A long relaxing day of spa treatments for Tom Coughlin, because heaven knows it has been a very stressful season for the Giants' always tightly-wound head coach.

• A little bit of that Detroit Tigers' magic fairy dust for the entire Lions organization, which hasn't had a bit of mojo going in Motown since Matt Millen arrived.

• A simple Christmas card from Bill Belichick to Eric Mangini, so we can all put this pupil-snubbing story to rest before 2007 arrives.

• A cell phone with an Alabama area code for Nick Saban, just to keep the Dolphins-coach-to-Tuscaloosa rumors alive for another week or so.

• A little restraint in free agency for Washington. Those who fail to learn from the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. And while we're at it, less can be more in terms of the size of your coaching staff, too, Joe Gibbs.

• A pervading sense of personal responsibility for the Cincinnati Bengals locker room, which has resembled a police lineup for most of this season. You should be wearing tiger stripes, guys, not prison stripes.

• A little motivation for Randy Moss, because when the Raiders receiver actually plays like he cares, he's still one of the game's most exciting playmakers. We think. It's just that it has been a while since we've seen him care.

• Good health and good luck for this year's rookie quarterbacks, who have a chance to make the Class of 2006 truly memorable. Godspeed Vince Young, Matt Leinart, Jay Cutler, Tavaris Jackson and Bruce Gradkowski.

• A no-regrets retirement for Tiki Barber, the gifted Giants running back who seems certain to leave the game while still at the peak of his considerable talents. We bid you adieu, Tiki-man.

• A couple of reliable receivers for Michael Vick, so we can finally find out in '07 if the Atlanta quarterback has the passing arm to match those magic feet.

• A redeeming playoff run for Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning and the rest of the Indianapolis Colts, wiping away some of the sting of last year's postseason bitterness.

• Hope for '07 in NFL locales such as Detroit, Cleveland, Arizona and Houston, where another desultory season is ending, but where next year's Saints-type renaissance may already be taking shape.

• And lastly, the NFL Network in every cable-ready home. Now that would be a holiday miracle.