I froze for a second -- "Does anyone really watch that show," I thought -- but quickly curled back over my keyboard and answered in the only way a college football fan could: "I think you'll be alright."
Yup, he'll be just fine. All your favorite shows are already airing every Saturday. It's just a matter of perspective. Right now, isn't Nebraska filming its own version of Lost in Lincoln? Hasn't Virginia Tech been watching its own rendition of Frank TV all season long? And does anyone really need Zach Braff when Charlie Weis can trot out an even bigger squad of scrubs on a weekly basis?
Nope, you don't need Hollywood writers to create these shows. The college football season already does that on its own. That's how you can get your dose of Friday Night Lights by watching Big East football, or your fix of The Late Show by watching obscure Pac-10 games on FSN. At least if you live in the East.
That's how you can get your fill of Grey's Anatomy by dissecting the inner workings of Ohio State. Or your share of CSI by trolling Miami Hurricanes message boards. Or your shot of Criminal Minds by googling Penn State. Yeah, it's pretty easy actually. College football is already chock full of dramas, sitcoms, and cop shows. You just have to know where to look.
Oh, and Seth, from where I'm standing, Dirty Sexy Money isn't in its first season; it's in its tenth. I think it's called the BCS.
DISCLAIMER: Talking about playoff brackets during this BCS regime -- even fake ones with contrived context -- is the equivalent of preaching democracy in China. So, if men wearing suits and dark sunglasses show up at your door and start poking around, you don't know me. Thanks.
Now, hypothetically speaking...
Kansas is only three wins away from an appearance in the BCS title game. In other words, next week's showdown with Missouri, barring a historic choke job against Iowa State, is a virtual Elite Eight game; the following week's Big 12 Championship -- presumably against Oklahoma -- could wind up being a de facto Final Four matchup, at least from the Jayhawks' perspective.
Here's my question: In a season that has already resembled the most tripped out NCAA Basketball Tournament you could possibly imagine, is there any reason to believe that Kansas won't follow suit and gag somewhere along the road? Yes, I'm secretly rooting for the Jayhawks to go unbeaten and confuse the pollsters; but after I've seen this school torpedo my basketball brackets repeatedly over the last ten years, why shouldn't I doubt that a disappointing loss is lurking in the weeds?
Back in mid-September, I joked that Boston College would pull a Ruben Studdard and stage a sudden disappearing act at some point during the regular season. Now, after consecutive crushing losses to Florida State and Maryland, maybe the shoe is on the other foot. Perhaps we should start joking that Studdard was the one pulling a "Boston College."
Now, it's not fair to pick on the Eagles for fading when so many other teams -- South Florida, California, South Carolina, etc. -- have done the same. But there's a neat little ring in saying that someone or something "pulled a Boston College," no? Seems like the kind of thing you could use in your everyday vocabulary -- it can be our euphemism for tanking like the 2007 New York Mets. Here are some other things that should pull a Boston College:1) The careers of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears
2) Seasons four, five, and six of 24
3) The hot chick from college who packs on an extra 15 pounds over summer break and returns drastically less attractive
4) Frank Ricard's marriage in Old School
5) Every movie scene in which Shaquille O'Neal speaks
Feel free to send in other suggestions.
Utah's Kyle Whittingham took note when Wyoming coach Joe Glenn guaranteed a victory before last week's contest. He added his own exclamation point by attempting an onside kick (and failing) with his team leading 43-0 in the third quarter of Saturday's game. Glenn added some punctuation of his own:a middle finger.
Here at Campus Quick Slants, we encourage random acts of political incorrectness whenever possible. And sometimes it takes a bold move like this to make you truly appreciate the rarity of college coaches taunting one another.
That said, with talk of Mark Richt's touchdown extravaganza and Glenn's salute fresh in our minds, it's only fair to pay homage to the greatest coaching taunt of all-time. You can't even talk about topics like this without alluding to Houston Nutt's gesture after Arkansas downed Texas by 21 points in the 2000 Cotton Bowl. Nothing can possibly top when Nutt turned towards the grandstand, gave the famous "Hook 'em Horns" signal, and then flipped his hands upside-down to rub in the victory. Nothing.
1. Better idea? Mac / PC
2. Easier road to BCS title game?LSU / Oregon
3. More clever fictitious handyman?MacGyver / Inspector Gadget
4. Better NFL prospect? Colt Brennan (Hawaii) / Brian Brohm (Louisville)
5. Worse Nintendo football game?"Ten Yard Fight" / "NES Play-Action Football"
6. Better investment? Pittsburgh Pirates / Alex Rodriguez
7. More credible sports analyst? Skip Bayless / Roger Lodge
8. Next Michigan coach?Les Miles / Nick Saban
9. Bigger reality TV train wreck?New York / Tila Tequila
10. Best sports movie?Field of Dreams / Hoosiers
Let's be honest, the likelihood of any of us ever dating Ashley Olsen is slim to none. But in the improbable event that one of us should pull a Lance Armstrong and find ourselves taking her, ironically enough, to dinner, how long would it be before the conversation found its way to her escapades on Full House? Don't you think it'd be virtually impossible for ordinary bums like us to avoid asking about Uncle Jesse's leather jacket, the sisterly wisdom of D.J. Tanner, or the lingering effects of Joey's stupid "Cut...it...out!" gyration? I suppose that's why it takes celebrities to date celebrities -- the rest of us would probably seem like a bunch of dorks.
"I'm a big fan of your Campus Quick Slants, but as a UVA alumnus, I was wondering your reasoning behind:
Softer football program? Virginia / UCLAUVA, admittedly, is no offensive powerhouse but had the fortitude to win close games after trailing (NCAA record five wins by two points or fewer) and plays to its defensive strengths, led by Chris Long. It would be unfortunate if your claim was based on lack of research.--Ryan D.
Lack of research? Perhaps. My research starts and ends with Virginia's 20-point loss to Wyoming in the first week of the 2007 season. Or with one of those two-point wins coming against Middle Tennessee. Or with the fact that Virginia hasn't won a big game in recent memory despite having solid recruiting classes nearly every season. That's all the research I need.
Ty Hildenbrandt writes Campus Quick Slants every Wednesday. E-mail Ty at email@example.com with your comments, questions and random observations.