'Tis the season of giving, even in New York, where everyone, it seems, has been giving it to
But, look, in the holiday spirit, I have a present for every team. We're going to line up in reverse order of success so far this season. Note that these are not
Minnesota Timberwolves -- A boxed set titled "The Best of
New York Knicks -- A recording of the
Wait a minute, that's what these guys are doing right now.
Seattle SuperSonics -- A caffeine-ingesting, fish-market-loving sugar daddy to keep them in Seattle. I don't care how many times
Charlotte Bobcats -- Cardboard cut-outs of
Memphis Grizzlies -- A reincarnated
Miami Heat -- Continued soul-searching by
Los Angeles Clippers -- A miracle cure for
New Jersey Nets -- A better 2008 for the Big Three. We speak, of course, of
Chicago Bulls -- A short trip backward in a time machine. One year. No, they weren't a title contender then, but they won a playoff series, appeared to be a team on the rise and seemed to be having fun. That's better than this.
Philadelphia 76ers -- A giant 25th anniversary celebration of the memorable 1982-83 championship team. Maybe that would put some interest back in Wachovia Center for a team that has been playing over its head.
Milwaukee Bucks -- A giant infusion of nastiness. They've had the same starting lineup for every game. They're all good players. They're in the Eastern Conference. So why aren't they a .500 team?
Sacramento Kings -- An answer to this question: What happens when
Cleveland Cavaliers -- Let them horn in on that Bulls' backward-time trip; that's the only thing that will get them back to the Finals.
Atlanta Hawks -- Shh. Don't give them anything. Don't say anything about them. Don't pay any attention to them. They're getting better, and the one thing that can derail them is if opponents start taking them seriously.
Washington Wizards -- (See Sacramento.) What happens when
Houston Rockets -- An injury-free
Indiana Pacers -- Martial law in Indianapolis. Yes, it presents some sticky constitutional issues, but it sure would reduce temptations.
Utah Jazz -- A shut-off valve on the simmering pressure that is coach
Portland Trail Blazers -- Whatever the opposite of a reality check is for
Denver Nuggets -- An answer to this question: Is the team as happy with
Golden State Warriors -- A lot of love -- and a rigid curfew -- for
Los Angeles Lakers -- Gold-embossed, poster-sized copies of this quote, delivered recently by
Toronto Raptors -- More than a peep or two from
New Orleans Hornets -- Safe haven in a storm. Talk to almost anyone in that franchise, and he or she can still tell you a heartbreaking story about Hurricane Katrina.
Orlando Magic -- Tapes of the first month of the season. Man, it was fun then, wasn't it? This reality stuff sucks.
Phoenix Suns -- Relief from everyone telling them that they need better interior defense. And, oh yes, one more interior defender.
Dallas Mavericks -- An injection of fun into what could be a crusade for redemption.
Boston Celtics -- An embargo on the words "
Detroit Pistons -- Sandwich boards for each player emblazoned with the words, WE'RE STILL HERE! Though after Wednesday night's win in Boston, everyone probably realizes it.
San Antonio Spurs -- An end to those irritating, paparazzi-fueled rumors about one of their internationally known players that constantly plagues this team: Once and for all, is