Albert Pujols vs. All Comers
Coming as a shock to precisely nobody, Pujols is obliterating baseballs in stadiums around the league. He leads the bigs in every major power category and is well within reach of winning the Triple Crown.
Looking around the league, there isn't a single player you could put on the same level as Pujols. He's even on pace to steal close to 20 bases, which can probably be attributed to the boredom brought on by only dominating the stats you collect by hitting the ball.
The Verdict: He's essentially dunking on a full-size basket as a third-grader. I'm convinced he's been going above and beyond this year just for the fantasy players who took Hanley Ramirez over him.
The Mountain West vs. The BCS
Tuesday's BCS congressional hearing was the long-awaited major step on the road to a college football playoff. Or, actually, not so much. The Mountain West pushed again for the government to intervene into BCS politics, but ultimately, it agreed to be a part of ESPN's BCS-led college football coverage for the coming years.
In any case, trying to argue for a playoff on behalf of logic and a desire to see compelling matchups between deserving teams will always be futile until enough conferences and university presidents get hit hard financially.
The Verdict: More Cincinnati-Virginia Tech for everyone! Orange Bowl tickets on Craigslist cheaper than stadium beer? What luck! What's that? USC will beat up on (insert Big 10 school) in Pasadena? Where do I sign?!?!
LeBron James (and Nike) vs. Jordan Crawford
According to various reports, James got dunked on by Xavier's Crawford in a pickup game, and Nike and/or James confiscated the video that a nearby cameraman recorded of the event in question. The supposed attempt at story burial has only caused basketball fans to wonder if and when the footage will ever end up online for the world to see.
If true, Nike is clearly making an attempt to save its biggest NBA personality the embarrassment of leaked footage showing him getting posterized by a college sophomore. It's simply protecting the idea of LeBron's invincibility.
The Verdict: Call me a sucker, but I believe every rumor and probable half-truth about the story, mainly because it's incredible to imagine such a pointless cover-up. Crawford immediately has been injected with more credibility and name recognition than he could've ever hoped, and LeBron, well, LeBron walks away silently like usual.
Lenny Dykstra vs. His Bank Account
After an unexpected rise and wildly entertaining/disastrous fall in the world of finance and publishing, Dykstra, the former Mets and Phillies outfielder once affectionately known as "Nails," filed for bankruptcy Wednesday. Car washes, family members, HBO, magazine printers and flight attendants, among others, are victims in the saga (worth the read).
The fact that he has filed for bankruptcy seemingly points to Dykstra's finally trying to do right by those he has allegedly ripped off, but he instead chose to spin the move by arrogantly comparing his move to bankruptcy filings by notable 19th-century U.S. presidents. Of course he did.
The Verdict: Any way you look at this, Dykstra loses, and for good reason. Both the print and TV stories about Dykstra's attempt at financial success are unbelievable, in the worst possible way. Everyone who is owed tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of dollars should decide whether Dykstra is exiled to the same place that the LeBron tape ends up.
Brüno vs. Funny People
The two most anticipated comedies of the year -- Sacha Baron Cohen's Brüno and Judd Apatow's Funny People -- both have July releases. Despite both movies falling under the comedy umbrella, they couldn't be more different.
Brüno is obviously shot in the same guerilla style as Borat, while Apatow's Funny People (Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, etc.) is shot as any traditional scripted movie would be. The common denominator here is that both should do hearty business in a booming era for movie tickets. Also, both films are original concepts (not '70s TV retreads!) following formulas that have brought success in the past.
The Verdict: I was lucky enough to see a screening of Brüno a few weeks ago, and having no idea what stayed in and what didn't (other than this), I'm positive that people will go berserk over Brüno in every conceivable way. Funny People, with its proven cast, should deliver on the level of Knocked Up, but the insanity and "how was this even released?" factor will put Brüno on top.
Dan Rubenstein hosts and produces the SI Tour Guy video series for SI.com and co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast with SI.com's Ty Hildenbrandt. He can be e-mailed here.