It was heartwarming to know that news of Saddam's capture boosted NFL TV ratings across the board, including the pregame shows. I'd have thought fans would switch to news channels to get all the updates, but I don't argue with those Nielsen people because I don't understand what they do. I know that some of you are not going to appreciate this, but to be very honest, I was scared to death that all day long the networks would be cutting into the games for the latest news bulletins. They didn't. They brought the updates to us at halftime, hooray.
The irony of this is that I have it on very good authority that Saddam was under our noses the whole time and we never even knew it. My sources inform me that he was working as a waiter at the Basra Hilton, and our forces finally figured out it was him because he kept screwing up the omelet orders. Please direct your enraged responses to Jimmy.
No more kidding. With the season winding down and the wait-wait excuse no longer workable, the rankings will have to take on an order somewhat resembling what you're going to see all offseason. So a final warning. This is gonna be deadly serious.