JAY CUTLER John Elway played in Mile High for 16 years, went to five Super Bowls, won two of them, made it into the Hall of Fame and didn't make this much noise
The latest chapter in the saga of the Denver Broncos QB has his agent claiming that Cutler, who wants to be traded and who was a no-show for the first meeting under new coach Josh McDaniels, promised that the entire offensive staff would be retained, but, see, what actually happened ... oh, who the hell cares.
ED HOCHULI Hochuli and Cutler-together in perpetuity
The NFL will consider allowing video replay to determine whether a fumble or incomplete pass should be called, the result of a play last season in which official Hochuli ruled a Cutler fumble in a game against the Chargers was an incomplete pass.
SCRABBLE TRADIONALISTS This item appears purely to offer respite from the Jay Cutler saga
The words "za" (pizza), "qi" (body's vital life force) and "zzz" (you know what that is if you've been following the Jay Cutler saga) have been added to the game's official word list, prompting some to demand that "q's" and "z's" should no longer be worth 10 points.
CHIPPER JONES And this from a guy who spent his whole career in Atlanta
The Braves third baseman, by most accounts a good guy, has our northern neighbors up in arms after making this comment during the World Baseball Classic: "I don't know if you ever stayed in Toronto, but it's not exactly Las Vegas. To say that we were plucking our eyebrows out one at a time would be an understatement."
MIKE KRZYZEWSKI Coach K's bracket: AIG over the auto industry in the final
The mayor of Krzyzewskiville did not take kindly to President Obama's leaving Duke out of his Final Four bracket, commenting chippily: "... as much as I respect what he's doing, really, the economy is something that he should focus on, probably more than the brackets."
NBA HALFTIME SHOWS IN NEW ORLEANS We fear that a terrible fate awaits Hugo the Hornet
After previous incidents in which a flaming hoop caused a 20-minute delay during a playoff game, a "French Quarter Flyer" got his leg stuck in the basket and another hit his face on the rim, a photographer suffered a broken ankle in a grisly fall resulting from a failed trampoline dunk.
THE SPORT OF BOXING It's our first desire that you just fade away
Kimbo Slice, still reeling from his October '08 MMA defeat to partially pink-haired Seth Petruzelli -- the bout lasted 14 seconds -- has announced that he will take up boxing because it's "really my first desire."
THE MARTIN BRODEUR HATERS They're probably mad that he wears a mask, too
Those calling for an asterisk to the goalie's recently attained all-time career-win record -- they cite the fact that the Devils' star played in the shootout era -- should be reminded that Brodeur also played in the overtime era and therefore logged more minutes in his victories than many of his predecessors.
ROBBY GORDON He's already gearing up for next year's Daytona 496
The NASCAR driver is accused of lopping four miles off the Baja 250 last week when he competed in the SCORE racing series event in Mexico.
GOLFERS EVERYWHERE Johnny Miller immediately criticized her choice of club
A 62-year-old Florida woman named Unni Haskell recorded a hole-in-one on the first swing she ever took on a golf course, using a driver for her ace on the 100-yard par-3 Cypress Links in St. Petersburg.
THIS WEEK'S MOST CAPTIVATING BLOG CHANTELLE ANDERSON of the Atlanta Dream on the proclivity of male sports stars to bear children out of wedlock:
Now I completely understand the allure of sex, and the frequency with which professional athletes are able to get it. In fact, if I was a male athlete, I'd probably be a ho too. Have you seen the women that literally throw themselves at these guys? I mean, some of them are so hot I'd wanna take them home -- I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't mind but we're not going there. I'm not gonna argue that all these men should be in monogamous relationships -- that's too idealistic even for me, and after all, that's what they made Magnums for. But what I don't understand is why, when these men have so much to lose, are they so willing to have unprotected sex on the regular.