By Jack McCallum
June 12, 2009
The Week's Worst In Sports
Mosquitoes in '07, gulls in '09 -- can locusts be far behind?

Although a ball that deflected off a seagull gave the Indians a victory over the Royals on Thursday night at Progressive Field, flocks of dirty birds that fly around the stadium have become a nuisance.
Swifter, Higher, Cruder

Arriving at the airport in Toronto to compete in the "Festival of Excellence," the Olympic sprint champion and world record holder sported a T-shirt printed with bogus Chinese characters that, when read sideways, says "Go F--- Yourself."
It's not easy giving lawyers a bad name, but this guy pulled it off

The Oakland A's fan/attorney won a gender-discrimination class-action lawsuit he filed against the club because he and other fans did not receive one of the floppy sun hats that were given out as a Mother's Day promotion several years ago.
However, Rex, you only continue to be funny if you make the playoffs

The wise-cracking ways of new Jets coach Rex Ryan, who has already taken verbal aim and fired at a Patriots coach ("I'm not here to kiss Bill Belichick's ring") and a Dolphins linebacker ("I don't know who Channing Crowder is"), are bound to be grist for daily comparisons to the antiseptic script followed by his predecessor, now with the Cleveland Browns.
One forgotten item: secretary-treasurer of the Key Club in high school

The UCLA quarterback announced his transfer to Furman in a press release that listed his on- and off-field qualifications ("I was practice player of the week as a freshman multiple times"; "I've always worked hard in the classroom as a student athlete where I've been recognized as a UCLA Honor Roll student"), his desire to wear No. 7 "as I did in High School at Saint Augustine in San Diego, Calif.," and his eagerness to become "part of the "Greatness of Fuhman [sic] University academic's [sic]."
With the team he inherited, perhaps he'll relish the confusion

Paul Westphal has been named to coach the 17-65, worst-record-in-the-league Sacramento Kings, assuring that he will be mistaken a thousand times for "Paul Westhead," also a coach, something that has happened a thousand times in the past.
If there was one thing 'Zo hated as a player, it was armchair analysis

Appearing at a press conference to flack the American Century Golf Championship, the retired center said Lakers coach Phil Jackson "doesn't have to do anything but call timeout" and that "Phil is just showing up, and Kobe [Bryant] is doing all the work to make this team successful."
What do you expect from a guy who has "tat" in his last name?

A request by the company to have the Orlando Magic's Marcin Gortat cover up the tattoo of Nike icon Michael Jordan he has on his lower right leg, above his Reebok sneakers, was denied by the backup center, who opines, "I don't think they are paying me enough to take it off."
Did you ever think it would be textbooks that got the Tide in trouble?

The misuse of free textbooks has gotten football and 15 other 'Bama sports programs into hot water with the NCAA and may end up costing the school 21 football wins over a three-year period.
He doesn't much believe in the sacrifice, but the steal sign is usually on

George Spady Jr. was charged with second-degree burglary after he allegedly broke into a vacant store and stole lights and bolts, a felony for which he enlisted the help of his son, his nephew and another boy who played on his Little League team.
Competitive eater Pat Bertoletti on his willingness to compete and post-victory joy:

"For me it doesn't have to make sense, if a dog food company in Lebanon held a bacon begging strips contest I would be the first to sign up. Does anything have to make sense when devouring inhuman amounts of food is the median ?I go into ever contest expecting to conquer and take that giant ass check through airport security. Having to explain that I didn't win big at keno or am the recipient of a scholarship to the local community college makes me laugh diabolically. It's also fun wearing the oversized wrestling belt under your clothes and to repeatedly set off the metal detectors pretending you forgot you had it on. It kind of puts a spinal tap/ cucumber wrapped in foil in the pants spin onto competitive eating and there's nothing wrong with that."


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