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A note from Jimmy: As you know, based on this and this, A's pitcher Brandon McCarthy is one of my favorite athletes to follow on Twitter, mainly because of his witty sense of humor. He was probably sending out a funny tweet in the picture above. I reached out to McCarthy to ask him to write an edition of Hot Clicks. This is the result.
Good afternoon, everyone! I'm Brandon McCarthy and I've taken over Hot Clicks for the day. Since you're probably asking yourself, "Who the hell is Brandon McCarthy?", I'll come out and admit that I'm in no way famous enough for a task like this. Nothing generates webpage visits like a guest appearance by some gangly white guy who plays baseball for a small market team. But since Jimmy has insisted on it, let's embark on a journey sure to be disappointing for all. And we're off.
1. It's so, so, so LONG: It's six weeks of practice and pretend games. It just never seems to end. It's like our version of Oregon Trail. By the time camp ends, someone's died of Dysentery, there's a bunch of new kids that have been born, and your feet are killing you.
2. The sun: Maybe this is just for those with spring training in Arizona (I've never had it in Florida), but I'm assuming it's universal. The sun is just a pain in the ass when you're out in it for six weeks because it's trying to kill you. It's either going to dehydrate you or burn you to a crisp. It's a neverending game of "did I put sunscreen on?" Every spring training clubhouse smells like a distinct mix of sunscreen and coffee farts.
3. The hats: Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, but I think this is the most common complaint. MLB issues these spring training hats that are pretty universally hated. They usually have a silly line(s) on them so they're different from the regular season hats, and the material feels like a wet dish rag if you sweat in them (which you will). Every day that you put them on, you get the same sad feeling Ralphie got in A Christmas Story when he's wearing the footed pajamas.
All the people who have helped push this 24-hour news cycle gem should take hammers to their keyboards so we don't have to hear anything from them again. Gronkowski is a grown man who's allowed to do whatever he feels like doing. Just because you're grieving as a New England fan doesn't mean all the players should be sitting in a hotel conference room alternating between crying and devising a plan to get Tim Tebow and his super magic in a trade. Without Gronkowski and his ridiculous record-setting season, the Patriots don't even get to the Super Bowl. And had he been healthy, I'm fully confident that they would have won the Super Bowl. But he played his heart out on a wonky ankle, did everything he could and the team came up short. What more do you want from him? Would you only be happy if he sat in his room and personally signed apology cards to each and every Patriot fan?
Get serious, folks. It sucks when your team loses, but what happens after the game has no relation to what happened during it. Frankly, even caring about it is an exercise in inanity.
1. Logan Morrison, @lomomarlins: He's very funny, very crude and he's always in the news because of his Twitter account.
2. Blake Griffin, @blakegriffin: He doesn't tweet very often but when he does he's funny, so that lands him here. This list doesn't have a lot of thought put into it if you couldn't tell.
3. Paul Bissonnette, @biznasty2point0: Jimmy clearly has a crush on this guy, so that's how I found out about him. But I think Paul's ultimate goal is to let us know that he enjoys the company of women and thus far he's succeeding.
4. Joey Barton, @joeybarton: Maybe some of you are soccer fans, maybe you aren't. If you are, you know who this guy is, and if you aren't, you should follow him and find out. Probably the most outspoken athlete in the world, and he doesn't just set his bridges on fire, he napalms entire villages.
5. Arian Foster, @arianfoster: This guy single-handedly won a few fantasy leagues for me a few years back, so that's why he's on this list. I don't even care that he's actually good to follow, to be honest.
1. Rob Delaney, @robdelaney: This guy is the king of Twitter. I guess. I don't know what that means really, but people say it and he's very, very funny so it works.
2. Tim Siedell, @badbanana: He's gotten really famous for his funny Twitter account, and for good reason.
3. Guy Endore-Kaiser, @guyendorekaiser: Funny name, really funny person.
4. Mark Leggett, @markleggett: I really don't know anything about this guy other than I find him hysterical and his avatar is a picture of a cat in deep thought.
5. Danny Zuker, @dannyzuker: He works on Modern Family, which is a very funny show, and he has a very funny Twitter account. I'm putting this here in the hopes that he'll see it and then forward my info to Sofia Vergara so we can run away together.
1. Niki Taylor: When I was 13, she had a picture where she's in the water wearing some sort of see through tunic. I fell so in love with it that the picture had a seat at our family dinner table for eight months.
2. Heidi Klum: Oh, man, did I love her back in the day. In fact, for a long time I was certain that we were destined to end up together. Then she married Seal. At that point, I kind of figured I might not be her type and the dream died.
3. Marisa Miller: I went to elementary school with a girl named Marisa and one day in computer class, when I was just about to beat her in 'Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego?', she walked by and unplugged my computer because she was a horrible person. From that point on, I've associated the name 'Marisa' with 'awful'. Until Marisa Miller came along. So not only is she really attractive, she's also a healer.
4. Sarah Brandner: She's so hot that when I thought I saw her at a store once, I screamed like a Beiber concert-goer for like three seconds. Turned out it wasn't her and then everyone in Sam's Club got super weird about it.