Your Favorite Bengals as Halloween Candies

Taylor Cornell

The Bengals season has been frightening to watch thus far, filled with more screaming than cheering.  Our orange and black clad jungle cats have largely disappointed on the field, and will be gifting their fans with a much needed Bye week following an (0-8) start.  While we attempt to digest the results from the first half of the 2019 season, here are some fun comps between a few Bengals and some Halloween candy you may be enjoying (or despising) this year.  

John Ross - Sour Patch Kids

SPK

Sour Patch provides a full range of emotions for the consumer, beginning with an extremely sour flavor that may cause your face to distort.  Once the initial sour dissipates, you are left with a pleasantly sweet treat.  John Ross' entire career leading up to this season was mostly sour, with injuries and poor play derailing his first couple  seasons.  However, Ross provided some sweet relief early on in 2019, as he accumulated 270 receiving yards through the first two weeks of the year.  Each game seemed to provide fans with a microcosm of the Sour Patch experience, as Ross struggled with drops and fumbles, while also continuing to rack up yards and touchdowns.  Similar to the stomachache that ensues after enjoying too much Sour Patch, fans felt a similar pit in their stomachs as Ross went down with a potentially season-ending shoulder injury after just four games.

Joe Mixon - Blow Pops

blow pop

The Blow Pop has the potential to be an amazing treat.  It appears that you have the complete package: a sweet, hard outer shell that gives way to even more goodness in the form of bubble gum.  Who wouldn't love a treat inside of a treat?  In reality, the gum loses its flavor within a few seconds of chewing it, and you are left wondering if Blow Pops are really as great as they are cracked up to be.  On the other hand, it really is the low-quality gum that brings down the entire Blow Pop experience.  This type of contemplation has plagued Bengals fans all season, as we wonder if Mixon is truly the elite talent we thought he was, or if the offensive line unit is really the culprit behind our dissatisfaction.  Speaking of...

The Entire Offensive Line - Bit-O-Honey

bitohoney

Seriously, just disgusting.  It is as bad as  you think it might be, if not worse.

A.J. Green - Skittles

skittles

The most popular of Halloween candies according to some lists, Skittles is beloved by nearly everyone.  They have been around forever, and you might even be a little nostalgic while enjoying them.  However, at some point you realize that your teeth are kind of hurting, and your jaw is a little sore from chewing them.  It doesn't mean you didn't absolutely love the experience of eating said Skittles, but you have to be honest with yourself and consider: is it time I move on?  A.J. Green may not be a Bengal for long, whether he gets dealt at the trade deadline or moves on as a free agent after this season.  As hard as it may be, fans will have to stop living in denial and find a new treat to enjoy. 

Andy Dalton - Candy Corn

candy corn

Much like the Bengals quarterback, Candy Corn is a divisive option.  It may be hard to believe, but there is a sect of candy corn truthers that will defend the classic treat to their graves.  On the other hand, an equally vocal group finds it to be repulsive, and more a representation of what candy should not be.  

You can try to mix candy corn with peanuts and convince yourself it is a PayDay you are enjoying, but in the end it is still candy corn.  Dalton has thrived on being a 'classic' option for this Cincinnati team for entirely too long, and no matter how many 300+ yard passing days he may have, he is still Andy Dalton.  Like candy corn, he will continue to let you down and leave you wishing you had chosen some other candy... any other candy...

 

Comments (5)
No. 1-5
Johnny Football
Johnny Football

Candy Corn is terrible, blow pops are by far the best choice here

Sam Ouhaj
Sam Ouhaj

Bobby hart has gotta be bit o honey alone

Jordan  Newman
Jordan Newman

Almond joy bottom 1 candy, easily should’ve replaced the OL lol, but great article Taylor!

Jordan  Newman
Jordan Newman

Ok, Tommy is tripping on the candy corn take, but I will not stand for the Bit-O-Hiney disrespect!

Tommy Jaggi
Tommy Jaggi

Editor

Respectfully disagree, Taylor. Candy Corn and Bit-O-Honey are great!


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