Wit and Wisdom of Hockey
"Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept."
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."
"If hockey fights were fixed, I'd be in more of them"
"All hockey players are bilingual; they speak English and profanity."
"Why is a puck called a puck? Because dirty little bastard was taken."
"Goaltending is a normal job, sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and 15,000 people stood up and yelled at you?"
"I'm not dumb enough to be a goalie." — on why he played right wing
"The three important elements of hockey are: forecheck, backcheck and paycheck."
"Half the game is mental, the other half is being mental."
"You’re playing worse every day and right now you’re playing like the middle of next week.”
"The only difference between this and Custer's last stand was that Custer didn't have to look at the tape afterward." — after a paritcularly ugly blowout loss
"I know my players don't like my practices, but that's okay because I don't like their games." Also: "Last season we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure was that I couldn't think of any place else to play."
"Just left "The Joe" [Louis Arena]. Tough skate today. I looked like Datsyuk out there today. Minus the awesome hands, great shot, speed, and hockey sense." — via Twitter
"How would you like that guy operating on you with those hands?" — commenting on Oilers defenseman Randy Gregg, who had a medical degree, after Gregg shot and missed an open net.
"If you can't beat 'em in the alley, you can't beat 'em on the ice."
"I will personally challenge anyone who wants to get rid of fighting to a fight."
"Is that a beard, or is [Rob] Niedermayer eating a muskrat?”
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my (expletive) clothes.” — explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker.
"Bob Kelly was so dumb, they shoulda written his name on the Stanley Cup in crayon." — Hall of Fame broadcaster commenting on his verbal sparring partner, a Flyers goon known by the nickname "The Hound." Kelly often teased Hart about his weight, calling him "The Great Pumpkin" for the orange blazer he wore on TV. Among Kelly's other zingers: "Hey, Gene. What's wrong with your slacks? It looks like they're flared at the wrong end." Naturally, Hart maintained that Kelly's IQ matched his uniform number (9).
"We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor." (This famous edict was issued by Flyers head coach Fred "Fog" Shero.)
Pavel Bure and Radek Dvorak
Bure, five-time 50-goal scorer: "When I look at the net I don't see a goalie." Dvorak, who topped 20 goals in a season only once during his 19-year NHL career: "When I look at the net I see two or three goalies."
"You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take."
"The only way you can check Gretzky is to hit him when he is standing still singing the national anthem."
"The playoffs separate the men from the boys, and we found out we have a lot of boys in our dressing room."
"Biologically, I'm 10. Chronologically, I'm 33. In hockey years, I'm 66."
"He brings something special. I don't know what it is, but if you ask him, you wouldn't understand his answer." — on Rangers teammate Esa Tikkanen
"I can't hear what Jeremy says because I've got my two Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears." — Reacting to trash talk by Jeremy Roenick of the Blackhawks, who had yet to win a Cup.
"It's too bad he lives in the city. He's depriving some small village of a pretty good idiot." — Islanders GM commenting on the agent for Ziggy Palffy. On Islanders defenseman Eric Brewer: "The kid's playing like he's sniffing glue."
"If you've only got one day to live, come see the Toronto Maple Leafs. It'll seem like forever."
"By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series."
"A fast body-contact game played by men with clubs in their hands and knives laced to their feet.”
"A puck is a hard rubber disc that hockey players strike when they can't hit one another.”
Denis Lemieux and Jim Carr in Slap Shot
Jim (asking about slashing): "And there's a penalty for that?" Denis: "Yeah. And for trip also, you know. And for hook like dis. And for spear, you know, like dat. All bad. You do dat, you go to da box, you know. Two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know. And den you get free."