Following a week in which:
- Juventus surprisingly LOST.
- Inter surprisingly WON.
- Lionel Messi unsurprisingly SCORED A HAT TRICK.
- Wolverhampton Wanderers surprisingly BEAT MAN UTD.
With some help from the filmography of Quentin Taran-goddamn motherf***ing-tino, we rank the 15 best football teams in Europe.
15) AC Milan (Down 2)
"Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?" (Reservoir Dogs)
Well, this was a shock result.
Going into the Derby della Madonnina in top form, everyone and their dog thought that AC Milan would trounce a Mauro Icardi-less Inter and extend their lead over their city rivals in third place.
But that didn't happen.
Instead, AC Milan were beaten 3-2.
Instead, AC Milan were leapfrogged by Inter in the league table.
Instead, AC Milan fans were left questioning whether or not their team really are 'back'.
14) Wolverhampton Wanderers (New Entry)
"Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention." (Django Unchained)
FINALLY! After 26 weeks, Wolves, my 2019 Football Manager heroes have made it into 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings.
And after their incredible FA Cup quarter final win over Manchester United, they are more than deserving of their inclusion.
With Raul Jimenez and Diogo Jota (the best player on 2019 Football Manager by an absolute million miles) firing on all cylinders, Wolves will fancy their chances of winning the FA Cup for the first time since 1960.
13) Paris Saint-Germain (Re-Entry)
"AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherf***er in the room, accept no substitutes." (Jackie Brown)
So they may have been humiliated in the UEFA Champions League again, but Paris Saint-Germain are still a pretty good team - and they proved that in Le Classique at the weekend.
Seeing off their fiercest rivals in emphatic fashion at an eerily quiet Parc des Princes, PSG made explicit the fact that, while they may not be the best team in Europe, they are undoubtedly the best team in France.
Which isn't hard...but still.
12) Real Madrid (Up 2)
"We have unfinished business." (Kill Bill: Volume 1)
Zinedine Zidane is back.
Isco is back.
Gareth Bale is back.
Keylor Navas is back.
REAL MADRID ARE BACK.*
11) Arsenal (-)
"I'm the foot f***in' master..." (Pulp Fiction)
Arsenal didn't actually play a game this week...so they stay in 11th place...I'll just move on...
10) Manchester United (Down 4)
"No one said this job was supposed to be easy." (The Hateful Eight)
The honeymoon is over. After a record breaking start to life at Old Trafford, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has encountered his first bump in the road...well, first two.
United followed up their shock 2-0 defeat at the hands of Arsenal with an equally shocking 2-1 defeat at the hands of 2019 Football Manager's greatest team Wolves on Saturday.
While these two defeats aren't the end of the world for the Red Devils, and while they don't necessarily hurt Solskjaer's chances of getting the job on a full time basis, they do accentuate the fact that there's still a lot of work to do at United. A LOT.
9) Inter (Re-Entry)
"That's how you're gonna beat 'em, Butch. They keep underestimating you." (Pulp Fiction)
Well, this was a shock result.
Going into the Derby della Madonnina in top form, everyone and their dog thought that a Mauro Icardi-less Inter would be comfortably beaten by AC Milan and drop further their city rivals in third place.
But that didn't happen.
Instead, Inter won 3-2.
Instead, Inter leapfrogged AC Milan in the league table.
Instead, Inter fans were left questioning whether or not their team really aren't 'dead'.
8) Tottenham Hotspur (Down 1)
"'Don't you hate that?'
"'Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bulls**t in order to be comfortable?'
"'I don't know. That's a good question.'
"'That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the f**k up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.'" (Pulp Fiction)
Tottenham - like Arsenal - didn't play a game this weekend. So they're down one for being lazy. Just plain lazy.
7) Bayern Munich (Up 1)
"We're all gonna be like three little Fonzies here." (Pulp Fiction)
Bayern's post-Winterpause Bundesliga form:
Goals Scored: 34
Goals Conceded: 7
Goal Difference: 27
Yes, the Liverpool defeat was a disaster, but other than that, Bayern have been brilliant in 2019. This incredible BuLi form has been largely due to the incredible form of the 'three little Fonzies', Leon Goretzka, Serge Gnabry and Kingsley Coman, and one big Fonzie, Robert Lewandowski. With these four players on the books - and three of them improving week in week out - it's clear that it won't be long before Bayern are back amongst the European elite.
6) Ajax (Down 1)
"What is the American expression? 'If the shoe fits, you must wear it.'" (Inglorious Bastards)
Frankly, Ajax couldn't have got a less fortunate UEFA Champions League quarter final draw...and semi final for that matter.
To make their first European Cup final in over 20 years, Matthijs de Ligt and co. will have to overcome Juventus and then either Tottenham Hotspur or Manchester City (most definitely the latter).
Can they do it?
We'll find out soon enough.
5) Borussia Dortmund (Up 5)
"I love my unofficial title precisely because I have earned it." (Inglorious Bastards)
Earlier in the season, we hailed Borussia Dortmund as MUST SEE TV, and on Saturday evening they were MUST SEE TV.
Drawing 2-2 at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin and on the cusp of all but throwing away the Bundesliga title, Marco Reus would score a dramatic 92nd minute winner to earn his side a win and - most importantly - keep BVB's Rotten Tomatoes rating at an impressive 100% fresh.
BVB are MUST SEE TV.
Watch their games, you won't be disappointed.
4) Juventus (Down 1)
"You look ready." (Kill Bill: Volume 2)
Juventus suffered their first league defeat of the season on Sunday, allowing SSC Napoli to close to the gap at the top of the Serie A table to...wait for it....
Yeah, 15 points.
So, yeah, it's fair to say that the defeat to Genoa didn't really matter.
What mattered was the win over Atletico Madrid.
And what matters moving forward is the UEFA Champions League; a tournament La Vecchia Signor FINALLY look ready to win.
3) Liverpool (Up 1)
"You know, I may have never liked you. Point of fact, I despise you. But that shouldn't suggest I don't respect you." (Kill Bill, Volume 1)
"OH MY GOD, WE'RE IN THE TOP THREE!!"
"IT'S A MIRACLE!!!"
Yes, after 26 long weeks of ranking European football teams, Liverpool have broken into 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings top three.
The rise up the Definitive European Power Rankings comes in a week in which the Reds shot back to the top of the Premier League table with a win over a rather dreadful Fulham team at Craven Cottage.
Well done guys, enjoy your place in the top three. You've earned it.
2) Barcelona (-)
“Teddy f***in' Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park on its feet for Teddy f***in' Ballgame! He went yardo on that one, out to f***in' Lansdowne Street!” (Inglorious Bastards)
In the week in which L.A. Angels Outfielder Mike Trout signed the most lucrative contract in sporting history ($430m 12-year contract), Lionel Messi swung for the fences against Real Betis.
With just five visits to the mound, Lionel Messi hit three HRs, batted 0.600 and recorded a SLG of 2.400, leading his side to a 4-1 win.
Lionel f***in' Ballgame.
1) Manchester City (-)
"There's a passage that I got memorised, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25,17.
'The path of the righteous man is beset of all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil me. Blessed is he who, in the name of the charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.'" (Pulp Fiction)
Swansea City awoke a beast on Saturday; a beast that struck down upon them with a mighty vengeance after the Swans had the gall to take a two goal lead at the Liberty Stadium.
City unleashed a late and furious anger upon Swansea in the second half of their FA Cup quarter final to win 3-2 and keep their quadruple hopes alive.