"Solskjaer and his backroom staff were so infuriated with the performance that it is understood the team chef even gave players a piece of his mind".
Take a second, sit back. Read that sentence a few times. Laugh at it, digest it, whatever. But now assess just how pathetic it is. Because it is pathetic. Less pathetic than Manchester United's performance at Everton on Sunday, but still extremely pathetic.
Man Utd's chef telling the players off. Going to do an article based on this titled 'Non-Football People Who Could Shout at Man Utd's Players'.— Scott Saunders (@_scottsaunders) April 23, 2019
Suggestions welcome. More ridiculous the better...
The team chef. This is the team chef shouting at a team of professional footballers.
Even if it's not true, the fact that somebody has been told about this, and written that this has maybe happened, is pathetic. The Chef may manage a team, but The Chef doesn't manage multi-millionaire footballers, therefore it is not his job to tell them off. The possibility that it has happened at all, is, you guessed it, pathetic.
It symbolises everything that's wrong with Manchester United at the moment. Out of control, uncertain, hilarious, depressing, in disarray, disorganised. Paul Pogba even called the performance at Goodison "disrespectful" - in a manner as half-arsed as his efforts on the pitch - so you can add that tag to the list too.
And since The Chef is having a go, here's a list of seven alternative people who are nothing to do with football who could have a go at United's players to try and make them do that football thing better. Because good lord do these players need a kick up the backside after one of the worst team performances in Premier League history.
None of the Twitter suggestions made it, sorry.
Is also a chef, but much more famous and notably a very angry man. A very angry man who used to have his own TV show where he would shout at people.
Also mates with David Beckham, so there is a small United connection there. Can you imagine Gordon Ramsay shouting at Matteo Darmian for not being good enough to get Ashley Young out of that bloody left back slot?
John Anderson From 1990s Hit TV Show Gladiators
Has a wonderful, commanding voice, and has previous at dealing with larger than life characters.
Check him out giving Wolf a yellow card. Wolf is much harder than Chris Smalling, so just imagine.
Order. Order. Order! Order. ORDER. Order. ORDER!
Because that's what Manchester United need. Order.
Just imagine he says this to the players. Scary/funny/weird comparisons.
"No, don't just be sorry, think for one second. What are you doing? Are you professional, or not?NO! Don't shut me up.
"He (points at unnamed player, pick one that suits your narrative because there are many) doesn't give a f*ck about what's going on in front of the camera. Let's not take a minute, let's GO AGAIN.
"You're unbelievable, man. The number of times you're strolling around in the background. I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't shut up for a second, alright. You're a nice guy, you're a nice guy, but that don't cut it when you're bullsh*tting on the pitch."
"I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!" he squalls at Paul Pogba, before flipping over Pogba's Rolls' Royce.
Former manager of Leyton Orient, famous for that rant at the players during the 1995 fly-on-the-wall documentary, Leyton Orient: Club for a Fiver.
How does he get in? Well, he doesn't work in football any more, and this needs to be in here, because those players need a right old sort out.
If you've not seen this, you need to.
"So you, you little c*** when I tell you to do something and you, you fucking big c*** – when I tell you to do something, do it. And if you fucking come back at me, we’ll have a fucking right sort out in here.‘ And you can pair up if you like.
"And you can fucking pick someone else to help you, and you can bring your f*cking dinner. Because, by the time I’m finished with you, you’ll f*cking need it."
No shouting. Just staring. Lots of judgemental staring.