No, that title is not an exaggeration. For the Geordie nation, everything is indeed spectacularly crap. 

Seriously, who cares about who the next 'Yes Man' will be for Mike Ashley to toy with as he continues his crusade to eviscerate the soul of Newcastle United? Who cares about transfer rumours - which player in their right mind would want to step foot into a place filled with such toxicity it makes Chernobyl seem like Disneyland?

Believe me, as a member of the Toon Army, I feel your pain. But this is my job, so I have to spoon the latest news on to your plates. Bon Appetit. 

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Jose Mourinho Indirectly Rules Himself Out of Newcastle Job


Say it ain't so! A competent manager, one who has won the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A and the Champions League, doesn't want to work under the diseased tortoise that is Mike Ashley? 

The shock!

Whilst not referring to Newcastle directly, Mourinho recently told The Coaches' voice: "The only thing that I know is what I don't want: I am quite pathological in the sense of I have to play to win.

"Then, if I don't win, then that's my problem and the players and the club and the structure but I need a project where the feeling is I play to win.

"If somebody gives me a wonderful 10-year contract and the objective of the team is to stay in the first half of the table and if you finish seventh, eighth or ninth, it's perfect, then that's not for me. That's my nature. My next (goal) is to fight to win."

That's that then. Better strap in for Garry Monk lads and lasses. 

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Ayoze Perez & Fabian Schar Among Names Linked With St James' Park Exit


Just as it's foolish to think a good manager would want to take the job at Newcastle, it's naive to assume that the few 'stars' the Magpies do have will want to stay at the club now that Benitez is gone (reminder: everything is crap).

The Sun claim that a host of first-team players are now looking for moves away from the club following the departure of Benitez, including Federico Fernandez, Fabian Schar, Martin Dubravka, Isaac Hayden, and Ayoze Perez.

That's two key defenders, one of the better goalkeepers in the Premier League, and the team's top scorer from last season. What makes this worse is that it's a) completely believable and b) perfectly understandable. 

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Newcastle United 'Confident' Managerial Vacancy Will Attract 'Top' Candidates


The Mirror are coming out with some questionable reporting here - or at least relaying what they've heard coming out of the club.

Yep, apparently, the executives at the club have no fear of finding a competent replacement, with former Ligue 1 champion Laurent Blanc, Claudio Ranieri and Giovanni van Bronckhorst all interested in the role.

Van Bronckhorst's agent Guido Albers told the Newcastle Chronicle: “I think the rumours have come a little bit early and no-one from the club has spoken to Gio.

"But I think every coach in the world would be interested in working in the Premier League.

“And what we would say if a club like Newcastle has an opportunity to work for them then of course he would be interested in doing that.

"It is an amazing club with an amazing fanbase but it’s up to them who they decide to go for.

Manchester City assistant Mikel Arteta and Burnley boss Sean Dyche have also been touted as the men to come in. You've heard the term poisoned chalice? This is a crap-filled goblet.

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West Brom Sporting Director Says Newcastle Are 'Still Interested' in Salomon Rondon


Wait a second - I thought one of the MANY problems Benitez had with Ashley was his policy of not signing players close to 30?

Why, then, would Newcastle still be interested in the 29-year-old Venezuelan? Well, Luke Dowling, the Sporting Director at West Brom, reckons the Magpies are still in for the Baggies' frontman.

Dowling said via the Daily Star: We’re quite happy to say that we will sell Salomon," he said.

"We don’t want a player that’s had a season like that staying around with us and walking away on a Bosman.

“Salomon has had the taste of Newcastle. He went back to a Premier League club and if he plays in England that’s where he wants to be.

"As we understand it Newcastle still have an interest in him.”

Wouldn't it be ironic (in an Alanis Morisette sense if Rondon ends up joining the Toon on a permanent deal AFTER Benitez leaves?