Football. It's a funny game.
How funny, you ask?
Well, this funny.
Xhaka, Xhaka - It's Time for Captaincy
That was a play on the infamous Shakira World Cup song, if there was any confusion. With that out of the way, back to our regularly scheduled programming (of weak content, it's slow jammin', but don't worry, this one's so jammin, you know it, memes, it's so jammin) - the armband around Granit Xhaka's arm.
In the build-up to Arsenal's crunch - with a soft centre - clash with Manchester United, Unai Emery finally announced that it would indeed be the Swiss international who assumed the captaincy from the four previous ones who left in the summer.
Which went down well, obvs.
Fortunately for those haters, Xhaka's first outing with armband went just as hoped:
In fact, he was so bad, even Roy Keane felt bad for him, refusing to kowtow to the Sky producers desperately baying for the Irishman to take Xhaka's ducking head, place it on a spear, and parade it around the studio like a placard, protesting against the meekness of modern football.
Man Utd vs Arsenal - The Last Straw
And so to the game itself. This titanic mid-table battle between two sides straining every sinew in an attempt to prevent their fanbases from bantering them off online. And what a tussle it turned out to be - NOT! (see, told you it was coming back).
This was - and I can't stress this enough - a shambles. A horror show of an advert for the Greatest League in the World™, if you ask me, Clive. But you're not asking me. You're asking the internet, and here's how it responded:
Still, at least there was some VAR, which provided a wonderful opportunity for some new mematerial to be tested out on Premier League audiences, and they lapped it up.
This is the poster for the 2015 film 'steve jobs|'.
This is the poster for the 2019 sequel 'joe cole|'.
We're told they could also be some crossover in the upcoming James Bond film 'No Time to Die'.
This follow's Cole's role in 'Peaky Blinders' of course, for which he has received critical acclaim the world over.
Steve Bruce - That's It, That's the Joke
Speaking of Steves, a lot has been said about 'Brucey', a lot of it not good. You see, it seems Newcastle could, in fact, have chosen better.
His tactics? Wot tactics? It's all about effort. And work. And effort. And pashun. And effort.
Defensive deficiencies that need to be ironed out on the training ground? Nah, you're alright.
Thing is, this could end up being his tactical masterstroke, all things considered.
FIFA 20 Release Shenanigans
FIFA 20 has been released. Some people cared, apparently.
These are funny, apparently.
Well, this one is actually a bit funny. A* for effort as well. I'm sure Brucey would approve.