Following a week during which:
- Juventus put Inter in their place AGAIN.
- Chelsea's young guns shot the lights out AGAIN.
- Liverpool won AGAIN.
- Manchester City dropped points AGAIN.
We, using quotes from Succession season two, and while listening to Pusha T's remix of the Nicholas Britell penned Succession soundtrack (yes, this is a real thing), rank the 15 best teams in Europe.
15) Nantes (New Entry)
"If I was to give Tom a letter grade, I'd give him a B+ for Bad plus Terrible."
If I was to give Nantes a letter grade, I'd give them an A+ for Amazing plus Incredible.
La Maison Jaune have won three on the bounce in Ligue 1 and now sit second in the table, just two points adrift of Paris Saint-Germain.
If that's not Amazing plus Incredible then I don't know what is.
14) Inter (Down 5)
"Worried that I agreed to be CEO of a dumpster fire pirate death ship."
In previous iterations of 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings, the following was written about Inter:
"We're 95% sure Antonio Conte's Inter are a great team. 95% sure. However, due to how disastrously pathetic Inter have been for the majority of the past decade, there's 5% of doubt still lingering."
"BUT hold your horses, and maybe quell the "OMG Inter are going to win the league" chatter. Because we've seen this story play out so many times over the past few years: hope of a new dawn, painful setbacks, then embarrassing defeats, then the kicker, a fifth place finish. This season may very well be different...but...you know...it might not be..."
So after last weekend's humbling at the hand of Juventus, we're not going to say 'we told you so' but...yeah, actually, we are:
We told you so.
13) Red Bull Salzburg (Re-Entry)
"I'm golden, baby."
Goals Scored: 46 (yes, 46)
Goals Conceded: 9
Goal Difference: +37 (yes, +37)
In the Austrian Bundesliga, Red Bull Salzburg are golden, baby.
12) Atalanta (Re-Entry)
"It looks like there might be a slight uptick in ticket sales."
- Champions League football? Check.
- A top three side in Serie A? Check.
- Exciting style of play? Check.
- World class goalscorer? Check.
- World class trequartista? Check.
- World class, newly refurbished stadium? Check.
It looks like there's going to yet another uptick in ticket sales for Atalanta games in the coming months.
11) Famalicão (-)
New DEPR favourites Famalicão didn't actually play this past week, but neither did any other team in the Primeira Liga, so guess what:
Famalicão are still top of the league!
So rejoice at the feel-good story of the year for one more week (at least).
10) Manchester City (Down 7)
"I think this might be the end of the company. We might get sucked into a black hole of embarrassment that we never get out of."
It's become abundantly clear in recent weeks that Aymeric Laporte's injury might be the end of Manchester City's title challenge.
They been sucked into a black hole of playing the embarrassingly awful John Stones and Nicolas Otamendi, and until Laporte is back, they will not get out of it.
9) Ajax (-)
"Yeah. So, I think I just, uh, turned down a quarter of a billion dollars."
Ajax made about a quarter of a billion dollars during the 2019 summer transfer window, but they also turned down about a quarter of a billion dollars too.
And thank God they did.
If they didn't, they wouldn't have the likes of Hakim Ziyech and David Neres keeping them relevant in the Netherlands and on the continent.
8) Real Madrid (Re-Entry)
"So I hereby convene the meeting of the newly formed 'what the f*ck are we gonna do' committee."
There were, approximately 23,458 'what the f*ck are we gonna do' committee meetings over the past 12 months at Real Madrid, as the club's hierarchy tried - mostly in vein - to turn their faltering football team around.
Now, it looks like they might have just worked it out. They finally found that the answer to many of their problems was right in front of them all along.
It's James Rodriguez...of all people.
7) Bayern Munich (Down 6)
"The weakest strong man at the circus."
Lads, what happened?
How did you lose to Hoffenheim at the Allianz Arena?
How does that happen?
It was all going so well Bayern, you looked like the strongest strong man in all of Europe; now you're the weakest strong man in the Bundesliga.
6) Chelsea (Up 4)
"Let's move ahead with that process shall we?"
Even the most optimistic of Chelsea fans didn't see this one coming.
The Blues, armed with a myriad of young go-getters, are - out of nowhere - the second best team in the Premier League.*
They're better than Tottenham Hotspur, Arsenal, Manchester United (everyone is), and maybe even the Laporte-less Manchester City. Nice one.
5) Paris Saint-Germain (-)
"This is all normal."
Oh, would you look at that...Paris Saint-Germain won a Ligue 1 game.
4) Borussia Monchengladbach (New Entry)
"The world's tallest dwarf."
Hallelujah! The world's tallest dwarf (Borussia Monchengladbach) has bested the weakest strong man in the circus (Bayern Munich) and is now top of the Bundesliga.
It's the first time a rather tall dwarf (any German team other than Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich) has sat atop of the BuLi table in five years, and it was run of strong man dominance that Gladbach broke in style as - thanks to a Patrick Herrmann (the German) masterclass - they thumped Augsburg 5-1.
3) Barcelona (Up 3)
"One hundred percent based on truth."
Barcelona beat Sevilla 40-0 despite having nine of their ten outfield players sent off this past weekend in La Liga.
That sentence is 100% based on truth.*
*The truth is, Barca beat Sevilla 4-0 despite having two of their ten outfield players sent off...which is still impressive...but I like my version better; it's more dramatic.
2) Liverpool (-)
"Hey, this is where the party is at. Look at us, all the cool and beautiful people in one spot."
Liverpool fans, it's time to party.
For the first time in what feels like 3,000 years (since 1990, to be exact), your football time has won the English top flight; and deservedly so.
What. A. Team.
1) Juventus (Up 3)
“Bill. The best boss that ever lived. It’s like Mandela f*cked Santa and gave birth to Bill.”
Maurizio. The best boss that ever liked. It's like Arrigo Sacchi f*cked Marcello Lippi and gave birth to Maurizio.
For he has worked wonders at Juventus.
He's revitalised Paulo Dybala, rejuvenated Gonzalo Higuain, and reinvigorated Leonardo Bonucci to make Juventus play the best football in all Europe. Impressive.