Following a week in which:
- Sheffield United SHOCKED Arsenal.
- Paulo Dybala STUNNED the Allianz Stadium.
- Marc-Andre Ter Stegen SAVED, well, everything...including Ernesto Valverde's job.
We rank the f**king 15 f**king best teams in the whole of f**king Europe using quotes from the f**king expletive heavy stone-cold f**king classic TV show the Thick of f**king It.
15) Granada (New Entry)
"Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?"
The 15th best team in Europe? Roberto Soldado career renaissance? La Liga title contenders?
14) SBV Vitesse (Re-Entry)
"My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my Big Thing."
There are two social classes in the Eredivisie:
1. The oligarchy (Ajax and PSV Eindhoven).
2. The peasants (every other team).
Since the dawn of time, SBV Vitesse have been a part of the peasantry, however this season there seems to be an opportunity for some social mobility for Chelsea's B-team.
They've won four on the bounce, and are just three points adrift of table-toppers Ajax. Nice one Chels...Vitesse.
13) Sheffield United (Re-Entry)
"Well it was a bit of a shock for us. In a good way. Like twins or a tax rebate."
At the start of the Premier League season, nine out of 12 of 90min's best and brightest predicted that Sheffield United would finish the 2019/20 campaign firmly rooted to the foot of the table. The other three predicted that the Blades would be relegated.
So, as you can imagine, it was a bit of a shock for us all to find out that Sheffield United are actually pretty brilliant.
In a good way - of course.
The Blades have beaten Arsenal, beaten Everton, drawn with Chelsea and pushed Liverpool right to the wire so far this season, and look set to, at the very least, prove that us 90min lot know absolutely f**k all.
12) Celtic (New Entry)
"I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally...I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to."
Celtic win games in the league, they win games in the domestic cup. That's it.
Occasionally...they win in Europe, just as a sort of treat.
And bah gawd, the win over Lazio was a treat.
11) RB Leipzig (Re-Entry)
"Well I'm sorry to burst into your little f**king boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying."
Love them or hate them, one can't deny that RB Leipzig mean business this season.
I mean, just look at that outfit Julian Nagelsmann is wearing. He's the suavest manager since Tim Sherwood.
If Nagelsmann's attire doesn't scream 'business' enough for you, check out Marcel Sabitzer's goal of the decade contender that he scored this past week, and then read Deeley's article telling you it wasn't a half-volley (even though it was).
10) Bayern Munich (Down 3)
"He's a wee bit disappointed."
Look, Bayern, we're not upset, we're just disappointed.
It's just that when you beat Tottenham Hotspur 7-2, we were fairly excited by the prospect of FC Hollywood being the best team in Europe once again. But as each week passes by, and as you continue to struggle against relatively mediocre opposition, something becomes ever more apparent:
Bayern aren't the best team in Europe, Tottenham are just terrible.
9) SSC Napoli (Re-Entry)
"They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you."
"What? Me – What, I'm in it?"
"You look very very pasty and about nine, so.."
"Am I a winner or a loser?"
Are SSC Napoli winners of losers?
A simple question that no one really knows the answer to.
Sure, they win a lot of games - like the one this past week against RB Salzburg - but they've very little silverware to show for it. And with Juventus and Inter improving, it's hard to see that changing anytime soon.
Yes, I'm a downer.
8) Famalicão (Up 3)
"It's all just gone really HBO."
Title: F Is for Famalicão
Logline: A team of misfits overcome the might of Portugal's footballing powerhouses to shockingly win the Primeira Liga title.
Synopsis: Famalicão are the ultimate underdogs, armed with a dream and a horde of Atlético Madrid loanees however, they attempt to do the impossible: Win the Primeira Liga. Standing in their way are the mighty Porto, Benfica and Sporting CP, the three biggest and best teams in Portugal. Follow their incredible journey of ups, downs, and everything in between as Famalicão conquer Portugal in a heart-warming six-part docuseries.
HBO, hit me up.
7) Barcelona (Down 4)
"Have you got to the bit where he calls you out of your depth?"
After Slavia Prague had drawn level with Barcelona, Lionel Messi stood, arms on his hips, and glared across the field to the rather hapless Ernesto Valverde. Although his back was to the camera, our guess is that Messi was shouting "You're out of your depth!" at Valverde.
And, to be fair, he's probably right.
6) Manchester City (Up 4)
"I won't scare you, okay, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna f**king do to you. I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna f**king rip them off, I'm gonna f**king paint eyeballs on them. And then stitch them onto a f**king sock and use that as a mouthpiece."
Manchester City are ruthless.
On Wednesday night they beat Atalanta 5-1.
Or, in other words, on Wednesday night they took Atalanta's bollocks, ripped them off, painted eyeballs on them and then stitched them onto a sock and used them as a mouthpiece.
5) Inter (Up 9)
"I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs! And that's all I was doing."
After a rough few weeks in which Inter were put firmly in their place by Juventus and Barcelona, Antonio Conte's men bounced back in a big way this week.
With their manager quite literally screaming them on, Inter won a must-win Champions League game against Borussia Dortmund.
4) Chelsea (Up 2)
"I'm cooking now! I'm f**king Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs! I'm pouring in baking powder! I'm using f**king vanilla extract! It's fantastic!"
Frank Lampard is cooking now! He's f**king Jose Mourinho! His team are keeping clean sheets! His team are scoring goals! His team are winning games! It's fantastic!
3) Paris Saint-Germain (Up 2)
"How dare you. How dare you! Don't you ever, ever call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that."
Paris Saint-Germain's last five games:
Won - 5
Drew - 0
Lost - 0
Goals Scored - 15
Goals Conceded - 1
Goal Difference - +14
PSG are so much better than we expected them to be.
2) Liverpool (-)
"I’ve got a to-do list here that’s longer than a f**king Leonard Cohen song."
With the Club World Cup just around the corner, Liverpool have a fixture list longer than a f**king Leonard Cohen song.
But, you know what? They're probably the only team in Europe that are capable of dealing with just how god awfully boring Leonard Cohen songs are...I mean...ahem...capable of dealing with such fixture congestion.
Because you know what? Liverpool are absolutely brilliant. In every way.*
*Except banners. They're bad at those.
1) Juventus (-)
"We are gonna take you down to Funky Town! Funky Town centre, here you come! CHOO F**KING CHOO!"
CHOO F**KING CHOO!!!!!!!
All aboard the Maurizio Sarri bandwagon!
Strap yourselves in as Sarri guides Juventus to their first ever treble while playing the best football in Europe.
CHOO F**KING CHOO!!!!!!