Hello, everyone. You know, 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings is a strange series. Personally, I don’t understand it.
Kids quoting television shows, pretending to be authoritative football writers. Things on sports websites that are completely inappropriate for young readers. Things like the following article!
Nothing seems to bother my kids, but today's article - which I totally wash my hands of - is really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them in early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow.
Thanks for your attention.
This week's edition of 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings is brought to you by The Simpsons - Treehouse of Horror.
15) Famalicão (Down 6)
"Aye, this chair be high, says I."
Aye, Famalicão were flying too high in Primeira Liga, says I.
And this past weekend, they came crashing back down to earth.
Our plucky little Famalicão were humbled 3-0 by big-bad Porto at the Estádio do Dragão on Sunday, and while they bounced back (a tiny bit) with a win over Gil Vicente, they're no longer atop of Primeira Liga. We're upset.
14) Atalanta (Re-Entry)
"We must go forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom."
Despite the harrowing 5-1 defeat at the hands of Manchester City in the UEFA Champions League, Atalanta are still moving forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards the top of Serie A.
This past week, they twirled their way to a 2-2 draw away to SSC Napoli, and a whopping 7-1 win over Udinese.
13) Borussia Monchengladbach (Re-Entry)
"It all started on the 13th hour, of the 13th day, of the 13th month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased."
"Oh, lousy Smarch weather."
It seems there's a misprint here. Because, from what I can see, Borussia Monchengladbach are top of the Bundesliga, and there appears to four points separating the top eight?
And it's Smarch...?
12) Ajax (Re-Entry)
"Hello mother, hello father. I missed you during my uneventful absence."
After a week long, rather uneventful, absence from 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings, Ajax are back.
'Why was their absence uneventful?'
Well, they won a league game 4-0...which is something they do week in, week out.
11) RB Leipzig (-)
"Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us."
Just when we thought they were out of the Definitive European Power Rankings due to their Bundesliga defeat at the hands of SC Freiburg (of all teams), RB Leipzig pulled themselves back in with a 6-1 win over VfL Wolfsburg.
Nice one, guys.
10) Benfica (Re-Entry)
"These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on."
These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear!
They've already knocked DEPR favourites Famalicão off of the top of Primeira Liga, and lord knows what horrific thing they're going to do next.
Punch a granny?
Send inappropriate gifs to a work WhatsApp group?
9) Granada (Up 6)
"Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?"
Can Granada live the Spanish dream?
Can they continue to upset the odds?
Can they really challenge Barcelona, Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid for La Liga supremacy?
Probably not. But let's enjoy this while it lasts.
8) Bayern Munich (Up 2)
"I can’t believe it. Jerry Springer didn’t solve our conflict."
I can't believe it.
A DFB-Pokal meeting with Bochum - a team they've beaten 31 times and haven't lost to since 1991 (the year the Jerry Springer Show premiered) - didn't solve Bayern Munich's problems.
7) Leicester City (Re-Entry)
"Well class, the history of our country has been changed again. To correspond with Bart’s answers on yesterday’s test. America was now discovered in 1942 by…'Some Guy'. And our country isn’t called America anymore. It’s 'Boner Land.'"
Well, last Friday night, Leicester City made some history:
- Leicester recorded the joint-largest ever margin of victory in Premier League history, alongside Manchester United’s 9-0 win over Ipswich at Old Trafford in March 1995.
- Leicester recorded the biggest-ever victory by an away side in an English top-flight league match in the 131-year history of the Football League.
- Leicester became only the second team in Premier League history to establish a five-goal lead in the first half of an away game in the competition, after Manchester City against Burnley in April 2010 (also 5-0).
6) Inter (Down 1)
"Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic."
So the 2-2 draw with Parma at San Siro was a little snag, as was Antonio Conte's insistence that, without reinforcements, Inter will drop off sooner rather than later.
But after their win over Brescia, and Beppe Marotta's confirmation that the club will make some signings in January, Inter fan are cautiously optimistic that they can keep pace with Juventus and win their first trophy in...*check's Day Since Inter Won A Trophy*...3077 days.
5) Barcelona (Up 2)
"He came to life. Good for him."
On Tuesday night, Lionel Messi came to life for the first time this season.
The third (yes, THIRD) best footballer of all time scored his 50th direct free kick of his career, and earned his 100th perfect 10 rating from WhoScored in a 5-1 win over...*checks who Barca played*...ahhhh, Real Valladolid...so...it's not actually that impressive...I'll just move on.
4) Juventus (Down 3)
"Homer, we have to do something. Today he’s drinking people’s blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking."
Maurizio Sarri, you have to do something. You have to find out a way to make your team score more goals.
Today, you're being bailed out by a contentious 95th minute penalty at home to Genoa. Tomorrow you could be losing 5-0 to Torino. Sort it out, ASAP.
3) Manchester City (Up 3)
"Good morning, everybody. Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign, but what new product could justify such carnage? A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavour department like so many others? Would...D-ooh! Let me go...no! Stop! No!"
Good morning, everybody. Panic is gripping England as exceptionally talented footballers donning Manchester City jerseys rampage through the Premier League. Perhaps it's part of some daring new Amazon show, but what tv show could justify such carnage? A docuseries? a 30 for 30 rip-off that doesn't give you a genuine insight into the athletes?
2) Paris Saint-Germain (Up 1)
"For a superior race, they really rub it in."
Paris Saint-Germain's last five games:
Goals Scored: 17
Goals Conceded: 1
Goal Difference: +16
We get it PSG, you're really good, stop rubbing it in.
1) Liverpool (Up 1)
"Take this object. But beware - it carries a terrible curse.
"Oo, that’s bad!"
"But it comes with a free frogurt."
"The frogurt is also cursed."
"But you get your choice of topping."
"The toppings contain potassium benzoate...That’s bad."
You've qualified for the quarter finals of a cup competition - but it's the Carabao Cup.
Oo, that's bad!
But your Under-18s beat Arsenal's first team to do so.
They also conceded five.
You can now win five trophies this season.
You may not be able to play your Carabao Cup quarter final because of fixture congestions.