After reading all the scouting reports in this special football issue, it's possible that you still won't have as much information as you'd like to have about your favorite team, particularly if we didn't rank your guys in the Top 20. Therefore we're providing you with this exclusive Second Guessers' Do-It-Yourself Scouting Report Kit. Drawn from our decades of experience in the field and from the thousands of press releases we have received over the years, it will allow you to devise an authentic Top 20-style scouting report of your very own simply by filling in the correct names in the indicated blanks and circling the most appropriate choice offered in parentheses. The result will be so real that you'll be proud to show it to your friends, and it will be suitable for framing. And, best of all, it only takes a few minutes of your time. So take pen or pencil twixt thumb and forefinger, and let's make like Anson Mount.
Last season the (Tigers/Bulldogs/Wildcats/Yetis) unexpectedly turned in a (0-11/11-0/7-4) record, and even better things are expected this year by (first-year/perennial) Coach ________. "I'm just a good old country boy, but I expect we'll do a whole lot better this season," says Coach ________, "but you gotta remember we only put our pants on one leg at a time, so that the cards will fall where they may on any given day. But we've got the intensity to go all the way if we can turn it around and keep the momentum up."
Which pretty much sums it up.
One of those better things Coach ________ was talking about is the return of (Running Back/Linebacker/Defensive End) B.J. Jaybee, who was lost last season because of (a torn-up knee/an F in fluid dynamics/a conviction for receiving stolen goods). Now Jaybee is back in the familiar (maroon and white/maroon and cream/maroon and eggshell) uniform and anxious for the season to start. Jaybee, who's known to the rest of the squad as (Animal/Beast/Hulk) spent the spring (bench-pressing the north side of Alumni Stadium/switching his major to soda counter technology. which is what he thought fluid dynamics was in the first place/in the county lockup). When asked about the coming season, Jaybee says, "(Hi, Mom/Wanna see me make a Rocky Road sundae like the one I had to make to get an A on my final?/I don't know what happened, I was just sitting in my dorm room when this big old U-Haul truck pulls up and a bunch of guys I never saw before in my life started unloading 117 24" color TVs, 350 Walkmans and a Pac-Man machine, all in their original cartons.)"
August 31, 1982
In addition to the return of Jaybee, the ________s will be counting heavily on Quarterback ________. Known as a (stand-up/roll-out/air-headed) field general, ________ ranked in the top 20 in the important NCAA (passing yardage/rushing yardage/all-purpose yardage/yardage gained while in the grasp of opposing lineman weighing more than 203.7 pounds but less than 207.8 pounds) category. He also has a 4.6 for (the 40/his average yardage per game/his SAT score). Naturally, he has caught the eye of several pro scouts. Gil Brandt, vice-president of personnel development for the Dallas Cowboys, compares him with (Joe Namath in his prime/Fran Tarkenton in his prime/Terry Bradshaw in his prime/Vince Ferragamo in an Alouette uniform). But even with all this attention, ________, known to his teammates as (Rifle Arm/Bazooka Arm/Howitzer Arm/Honky), has put the fortunes of the ________s ahead of his own glory. He says, "(We put our pants on one leg at a time, so the cards can fall where they may/I'm not thinking about a pro career until we beat[Notre Dame/USC/Alabama/Muhlenberg]/Hey man, you got any tickets I can sell?/Take it up with my agent)."
The ________s' kicking game has been bolstered by the addition of ________, a 37-year-old former World up soccer player from (Chad/Graz/Gorzxkyxz/Vida, Mont.). ________ had never seen a football before showing up on campus last season, and the medical student-cum-kicking specialist, who weighs (87 pounds/89 pounds/91 pounds/seven stone), still isn't all that tuned in to American-style football. When asked to comment on the game, he says, "(Seen never have I such big muthas/Gbzxxk wow bywyyzki/Der Futball U.S. ist schlecht/See my agent for any pithy quotes, you running dog of the capitalist-imperialist press)." Nevertheless, it would seem that by cutting up on campus, this surgeon-to-be may have carved out a new career for himself.
Thus, it looks as if this is finally the season for the ________s. As quotable Coach ________ says, "Looking at the schedule, I can see (disaster/catastrophe/another pink slip) coming my way." The coach has a well-earned reputation for being cautious when it comes to evaluating his team's prospects, but after we (listened to him drone on for a few hours/poured him a few stiff shooters/gave him a dozen Titleists), he let down his guard and told us, "We've got the personnel, we've got the desire, and we've got the incentive to reward all our loyal boosters with exactly what they deserve. I was really touched last year when they showed their appreciation of our program by (giving every member of the starting team a Corvette/coming to every game so twisted they couldn't see the person in front of them, much less what was going on out on the field/planting six dozen Claymore mines in the tunnel leading from the visiting team's dressing room/shooting my dog)."