Re: Hot Dog...TheMovie: If you can't say anything nice about something, don't say anything atall.
Seriously, folks,what can you say about Hot Dog...The Movie that hasn't already been said aboutthe New Jersey Devils or potholes or dandruff? Nothing would have been saidhere, either—LET BLEEPING DOGS LIE is our motto—except that, according toVariety, this dreadful sports film is now No. 2 at box offices across thecountry, trailing only the enchanting Terms of Endearment. This is a revoltingdevelopment that can only mean P.T. (There's a Sucker Born Every Minute) Barnumand H.L. (No One Ever Went Broke Underestimating the Intelligence of theAmerican People) Mencken are, once again, toasting themselves before a roaringfireplace in that great ski lodge in the sky.
Understand,please, Hot Dog...The Dog isn't one of those films that's so bad you end uplaughing along with it. It's not camp. Although the film's advertising suggeststhat it's some kind of hilarious, a real Animal Schuss, it isn't, in fact, theleast bit humorous. The plot consists entirely of breasts. But don't be misled;Dog's sex is asexual. And its music is abysmal. Hard to believe for a skimovie, but it doesn't even have good scenery. Its cast runs the gamut from aformer Playmate of the Year to the erstwhile star of Dr Pepper commercials. Iwon't mention the names of any of the actors because they seem like a pleasantenough bunch of young people, and they don't deserve to be identified with suchtrash at the dawn of their careers.
Ah, but let usgive the devils their due. Those responsible for this ski-and-skin flick areled by Edward S. Feldman, producer and ski despoiler. His partners in powderedjunk include Peter Markle, director; Mike Marvin, screenwriter; and ChristopherW. Knight, executive producer. I know, I know. They're laughing all the way tothe bank.
Now for somehighlights:
I. A Selection ofMy Favorite Dialogue from Dog:
•"You got tobe pretty good to make it on this circuit, kid!!!"
•"You're noteven in Sylvia's top 40, Shorty!!!"
•"That jumpwas totally awesome!!!"
•"What wereyou doing in the hot tub with Sylvia???!"
•"Look who'shere: Mister Personality!!!"
•"What d'yathink? We spend one night together, and you own me???!"
•"I rememberwhen this used to be a sport!!!"
•"You people!Stay out of my vay!!!" (This is uttered by the villain, who thinks the vay,I mean the way, you affect a German accent is to talk out of ze side of zemouse. See also—in the sauna: "Yoost relax. Zat is vhy ve are here!"And: "Yah, it's ze only vay: ze Chinese Downhill!!!")
•"We're goin'into some radical terrain! Avalanche city!!!"
•"It's a toughact to follow, but if you ski like you did when you qualified, you can be thekid we're looking for!!!"
•"A twistin'triple???! I've never seen one of them. Are you qualified for that?"
•"You knowsomething, guys? I'm gettin' too old for this!!!"
•"Kid, lemmetell you something. He didn't win the World Cup three years in a row becausehe's bad!!!"
•"Ve finishzis later!!!"
II. My Choice ofthe Half-Dozen Best Torsos in Dog:
2) The motelclerk
3) The girl in thewet T-shirt contest with the sort of mouse-brown hair
5) The girl in thewet T-shirt contest who's the date of the guy with the beard
6) Thenymphomaniac on the ski gondola
III. Other GoodThings in Dog:
I thought some ofthe ski sweaters were real nice.