MOST OVERRATED RIVALRIES
1) Army vs. Navy—Let's face it. When was the last time you saw a decent fight between the services? The Civil War?
2) Ohio State vs. Michigan—Even when both teams were good, it was no good. Besides, the winner always goes on to lose its next game.
3) Kansas vs. Missouri—Oldest rivalry (it began in 1891) west of the Mississippi, it has cost many a coach his job. In the late '60s, Pepper Rodgers of Kansas accused Mizzou's Dan Devine of shooting him "half the peace sign." These days, however, it's just another game. Both teams would rather beat Oklahoma or Nebraska.
MOST UNDERRATED RIVALRIES
1) Tennessee vs. Auburn—The late Shug Jordan of Auburn once called Tennessee's Tartan Turf "a Brillo pad." The Vols' hound dog mascot responded the next year by leaving a present in Shug's close proximity. It has been ugly ever since.
2) Washington vs. Washington State—Formerly a snoozer, this is now one of the best games in the country. Twice in the last three years, countrified "Wazzu" has kept big-city Washington out of the Rose Bowl.
3) Florida vs. Miami, Georgia, Auburn, Florida State, the NCAA...—Everybody, it seems, wants to get the Gators in the worst way.
AND TELL HIM WHAT HE GETS FOR FOUR YEARS, DON PARDO
After Charley Pell's Florida team was put on three-year probation, and Pell thereby got himself fired, boosters gave him a $24,000 Lincoln. He's now driving in style as a self-described "private citizen" in Gulf Shores, Ala.
WE ARE THE WORLD
1) Kevin (Max) Eggleston, Iowa State: 6'8", 339 pounds. Short for Maximum.
2) Marshall Land (Fill), Texas A&M: 6'7", 378.*
3) Ben Jefferson, Maryland: 6'8", 301 and only a freshman.
*Used to be 400, but thanks to regimented dieting is now a mere shadow of his former self.
THE FIRST 'ASTROPHYSICS IS IMPORTANT, TOO' AWARDS
These schools rank in the Top 20 in football and libraries (by volumes): Washington (1st and 13th, respectively), Ohio State (7th, 16th), Illinois (11th, 3rd) and UCLA (14th, 9th). Honorable mention: Virginia (20th, 25th).
THE NEW DRUG CONSCIOUSNESS
About half the Division 1-A schools will test players for drugs this season, primarily for marijuana and cocaine. Because of the cost ($90 to $150 per test) only a handful will test for steroids, the drug that most often affects performance on the field. Drug testing procedures will differ. Some schools will test only at the start of fall practice, some will do so at an announced time each week, some will spot-check. Oklahoma's system of random checking is more or less typical. After one positive finding, the team doctor and trainer will be notified. After two offenses, the parents and coach Barry Switzer will be told, and the athlete will be placed in a drug education program. After three, the player loses his scholarship. At Illinois, coaches, administrators, cheerleaders and even secretaries may be tested. At Cincinnati, every varsity athlete must complete a three-credit chemical-dependency education course. Legally, all this may be sticky. Certainly schools could be sued for invasion of privacy. Moreover, if a player is suspended for a game, how does the coach explain his absence to the press? Does he lie? If he doesn't, is it another invasion of privacy? The conclusion is simple: Don't look for drugs to leave the sports page anytime soon.
THREE STATS YOU'LL NEVER GET FROM JIM LAMPLEY
1) Dead Roaches. At Florida, a lineman accrues one of these by knocking his man so hard on his keister that his legs and arms stick up in the air.
2) Decleaters. At Wisconsin, you get a decleater when you stand up to dee opponent and knock him off dee cleats.
3) Slobber Knockers. At Miami, you are awarded one of these if you hit an opposing player so hard you knock the slobber out of his mouth.
IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE
At Cincinnati, running back Leonard Cry wound up with a large lump on his head this spring when a helmet slid off a shelf in the locker room and conked him. Cry was luckier than Wisconsin safety Robb Johnston, who underwent surgery in June to remove bone spurs in his left foot, only to find that the doctor had operated on his right. After the surgeon fixed Johnston's left foot, the patient laughed and said, "I got a two-for-one special."
WHY YOUR BOY SHOULD PLAY FOR ARIZONA'S LARRY SMITH
1) Any player celebrating a birthday on a Thursday gets to pick five people—coaches included—and let them have it with a cream pie.
2) Once, to help his team bounce back from a tough loss, Smith chartered a helicopter, flew over the practice field and dropped 125 tennis balls. Each player was told he had better come up with a ball, or else. Total retrieve took 15 seconds.
3) At the end of any rainy or muddy practice, players can grab the nearest available mudslinging sportswriter and roll him in the mire. This is what is called good, clean fun.
SEVEN GUYS YOU MAKE SURE GET A SEAT ON THE TEAM PLANE
1) Fred Anschutz, Kansas. A Denver millionaire, Anschutz gave $1.5 million to build the Jayhawks a sports pavilion, which included a 90-yard indoor practice facility.
2) Robert L. Rice, Utah. Ingratitude for his contributions, Utah renamed Ute Stadium, Rice Stadium. And well the school did. He kicked in $1 million to enlarge the place.
3) Al Davis, Syracuse. Helped pay for dressing rooms at the Carrier Dome. Has been known to dabble in pro football.
4) Palmer (Butch) Strickler, Wisconsin. A retired sausage maker, he grosses $200,000 each year at Butch's Badger Bologna Benefit. Outgives even Oscar Mayer, one of the Badgers' leading summer-job suppliers.
5) Philip Greenberg, Penn State. A retired businessman, he threw in the money to finish the school's $5 million indoor sports complex, which bears his and his wife's names.
6) Bill (Wildcat) Morris, UNLV. When the chips are down, Morris, who owns the Landmark Hotel, antes up. The Rebels' football practice facility is named in his honor. When he was co-owner of the Holiday Casino, he also gave summer jobs to many players.
7) Drew Hearn, Georgia Tech. Donated the bulk of the bucks for the Andrew Hearn Sr. Academic Center in the school's athletic complex.
LAST KID YOU'D WANT TO CUT
Andy Hearn, C, Georgia Tech.
SUM OF THEIR PARTS
NCAA rules now allow collegians to insure their most treasured parts. Here, then, is this year's Heisman Trophy winner, as selected by the Underwriters Association of America:
Arm—Chuck Long, QB, Iowa ($1 million); legs—Keith Byars, RB, Ohio State ($1 million); hands—David Williams, WR, Illinois ($1 million); neck—Jim Juriga, G, Illinois ($200,000); shoulders—Tim Green, DT, Syracuse ($500,000); knees—Kenneth Davis, RB, TCU ($1 million); anything else—Jack Trudeau, QB, Illinois ($1 million).
YOU TAKE THE LOW ROAD...
Nineteen eighty-four may have been an election year, but '85 is the year of the running mate. For some reason, college football is rife with the old one-two punch. The six happiest couples:
1) Rueben Mayes and Kerry Porter, Washington State—Mayes led the Pac-10 in rushing last season. Porter, who was injured in '84, led it the year before. Now they're both healthy. Yikes.
2) Reggie Dupard and Jeff Atkins, SMU—Dupard flies; Atkins bowls; Smooo goes.
3) Neal Anderson and John L. Williams, Florida—Pity that we won't get to see this pair on the tube.
4) Melvin Bratton and Alonzo Highsmith, Miami—Bernie who?
5) Dalton Hilliard and Garry James, LSU—Imagine how good they would be with an offensive line.
6) Kenneth Davis and Tony Jeffery, TCU—Davis, the '84 SWC Offensive Player of the Year, and Jeffery, the '84 SWC Newcomer of the Year, are the fearsomest Frogs this side of Calaveras County.
BEST PLACE FOR BAD FOOTBALL
Duke. Stadium is a natural amphitheater surrounded by huge pine trees. During night games a spotlight shines on the chapel spire in the background.
Honorable mention: Colorado, Cal, Indiana, UTEP (yes, UTEP).
WORST PLACE FOR GOOD FOOTBALL
Nebraska, where 56,000 of 74,000 seats are located outside the 20-yard lines. Most of those have no arms, no backs and no cover from a nasty wind. The football must be good; the Huskers have had 136 straight sellouts.
Dishonorable mention: Pittsburgh (Pitt Stadium), Miami (Orange Bowl), Houston (Astrodome), USC (L.A. Coliseum), Cal State-Fullerton (has no facilities; plays wherever it can find a high school field or erects its own makeshift stadium).
ATHLETIC PARKING LOT MOST RESEMBLING CHASEN'S
Oklahoma's—Last season running back Spencer Tillman was driving a Lincoln, defensive end Kevin Murphy a Mercedes, quarterback Danny Bradley a Buick Regal and safety Keith Stanberry a Datsun 280ZX, which he wrapped around a tree after the Kansas game. Safety Tony Rayburn has replaced his BMW, which was stolen last year, with a Mercedes.