Wimbledon champ Andre Agassi
Was unable to dress so Las Vegassy.
Ninety-two left quite a legacy:
The Fabulous Five from Michigan
Hope Duke won't fillet "em like fish again.
The Pens won the Cup,
A flag flew downside-up,
And Jordan was granted his wish again.
Da Bulls were da NBA champs;
Michael lit up da Blazers like lamps.
Orlando took Shaq,
Paid him serious jack,
Now he's licking opponents like stamps.
Magic and Larry retired,
Admired by those they inspired.
And Dan Biasone,
Who'll forever be known
As the Shot-Clock Inventor, expired.
Al Unser Jr. won Indy,
The Broad Street Bullies won Lindy,
And the lesson they'll teach
Now at brisk Pebble Beach
Is a Kite always flies when its windy.
Fay Vincent banished Steve Howe,
But somehow Howe never said, "Ciao."
And the owner of Schottzie
Denied she's a Nazi.
For baseball, two kicks in the trou.
Super Bowl headline: SKINS WIN IT.
It was over within the first minute:
Thurman T. lost his hat,
And stranger than that,
When he found it, his head was still in it.
In college, who's No. 1 rated?
The answer is always debated.
The Tide and the 'Canes
Won all of their games
Without having livestock castrated.
The Heisman went to Gino Torretta,
But Marshall Faulk, we all know you're betta.
As for Garrison Hearst,
It could have been worse.
At least he received a letta swetta.
Lil E. Tee, phone home.
While you're at it, phone Manon Rheaume.
She was in goal
Before you were a foal
Or a gleam in the eye of this poem.
Bobby Fischer can never rebut
That Fisher's a brand name for nut.
Boris looked Badenov,
But he'd probably had enough
After spending six weeks on his butt.
Meanwhile, back at the Samaranch,
The Winter Games brought a sports avalanche.
LeBlanc and La Bomba,
Foreign words I'll remomba,
As well as these moments from Franche:
Chemists call it Au,
Yamaguchi won one and Blair two.
Snow fell in the Alps
Like dandruff from scalps;
The peaks ought to use Selsun Blue.
The Games of Summer reigned in Spain,
Like Tour de France champ Indurain.
TV was disastrous,
And Cobi the mascot? Inane.
After golfing a week in La Jolla,
They arrived in the homeland of Goya.
The Dream Team said, "Hola,"
By pummeling Angola
And won a la Oscar De La Hoya.
Activities grave and iniquitous,
Made Tyson's absence conspicuous.
When heavyweights dueled
For the belts so bejeweled,
Who won? Don't be Riddickulous.
My rusty math should be lubed,
How much for America cubed?
Not to mention those countdowns,
The Brett-and the Yount-downs.
Do you figure fan interest accrued?
King Richard Petty ruled NASCAR
As the French used to Madagascar.
When the King abdicated,
His successor awaited:
Canseco again drove a fast car.
Atlanta was best known for Tara,
Then along came Frankie Cabrera.
But the Great White North
Won the Series, of courth.
It could not have been faira or squara.
Not so for some Filipinos,
Thought not to be in their teenos.
Little Leaguers got trounced,
Then officials announced,
"Those kids weren't kids, far as we knows."
How to make a subpoena colada:
Take McCarver, then just add ice wada.
Though Deion was rude,
Timmy never sued.
Hey, McCarver, I still think you oughta.
Why in the name of Jehovah,
Did Connors play Navratilova?
A thoracic disk
Put Gretzky at risk,
And Bonds was rolling in clova.
When football's Plan B was illegalized,
Keith Jackson was quickly il-Eagleized.
Baseball's Giants stayed put,
But they rendered kaput
Roger Craig and his sad, baggy beagle eyes.
May the New Year erase all your cares.
May you ever be sunny, and share
All that you've got
With those who have not
And keep Dennis Byrd in your prayers.