The Write Man for the Job

Following baseball's lead, we sign a replacement kolumnist to cover the spoiled sport
February 06, 1995

Hello. I are the replacement kolumnist. It is just about the greatest honner I can think of. The magazine called me just out of the blue (!!!!) and asked if I could write this major league kolumn while replacement players played major league baseball. Quick as a wink, I said I could!!!! This were something beyond my wildest dreams.

"We've been reading your Letters to the Editor for years," one of my new bosses explained. "Your name was the first that came to mind. We think you can be the perfect man for this replacement job."

"How come?" I asked, thinkin this was some kid of cruel, cruel hoaks being played by one of the boys at the Elks. "You ain't never printed one of my letters, not one, and I been sendin them about once a week since 1968."

"We've been waiting for the perfect moment," the editor replied. "We're all very much aware of your talents. Many of your letters, in fact, have been Xeroxed and distributed widely about our offices. The most recent, I believe, was the one where you called for the death penalty for Tonya Harding. Everybody just loved that."

Hot damn!!!!

I has been a sportswriter in my sole for all my life. I has had many other okkupations, two numerous to mention, but sportswriting has been my dream job. I always has been hindered by the fact I has been RAISING A FAMILY and PUTTING BREAD ON THE TABLE. I could not follow where MY HEART wanted to take me, going back to skool and taking jobs at small newspapers to start out. Now, thank goodness, I are able to hit the BIG TIME in a single bound!!!!

I are already making plans to be in Flor. and Ariz. to interview those replacement pitchers and katchers when they shows up at the replacement kamps. I will be wearing some neat, you know, sunglasses and standin in that Flor. sun in my short pants and talkin Ball and writin everything down so you folks can read about it. Free food, free hotel, free transportation. I can do this in a New York minute!!!!

"How they lookin, Skip?" I will say to someone like Mr. Buck Showalter of the New York Pin-striped Yankees.

"Look good to me," he will say.

I Will Get The Story!!!!

The ballparks and the fields will be my Second Home. I will go into the locker rooms and the hotel lobbys to ask the toughest questions. I'm not afraid of no one. I will ask Marge Schott to dance if I have to. I will drink diet suplementz with Tommy Lasorda. If some replacement cleanup hitter strikes out with the replacement bases loaded on a 3-and-2 replacement kurve ball I will ask him what he were thinking in that dumb replacement head of his. I will find out What You Want To Know!!!!

Some of my friends say I should not be doin this job. (Which is a surprize. I thought they all would be happy for me. I would be happy for them if this of happened to them.) They says I always have been a Union Man and should respect the regular kolumnists and their Union. They think I are taking a regular kolumnist job. They ask me—What if somebody came along and did this to you? I thought about this. I thought about it a lot. And you know what I decided? A Man Has To Do What He Has To Do!!!!

"The kolumnist job ain't like any other job I ever had," I says. "These guys are all making about 8 Million A Year and are wantin to make 18 Million A Year. The heck with them. This ain't exactly Union Stuff like when I were in at The Box Company and we was always looking for a buck raise an hour and The Box Company was offering a nickle, Take It Or Leave It. I are a Real Person, not a Star. I have to take Opportunity When It Knocks.

"I got to think of my family First," I also says. "I can take this replacement money and Make A Better Life for them. Plus, who knows? I may write a replacement kolumn that Knocks Everybody's Socks Off!!!! I may wind up doing this forever. Who knows? I may be doin this for the rest of my natural-born life. I may be on talk radio and television!!!! Stranger things have happened!!!!"

I already are learnin how to type, and from there I will learn the komputer. I already know a lot about Ball, of course. I forever have watched all the games on television and I can name all the Cy Young winners off the top of my head and my father told me a story about buying Mickey Mantle a beer once. I will be able not only to see The Big Replacement Picture, but also the Little Replacement Pictures. I will go everywhere, do everything that has to be done. I are not afraid to work!!!!

I have spent, for example, two daze working on this very kolumn. I do not know what you say, but my bosses love it.

"You're the best," one of them told me. "If there is going to be replacement baseball, you're the perfect man to cover it."

This Is True!!!! I are the replacement man.

ILLUSTRATIONEVANGELOS VIGLIS

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)