SWEETHEART, GET ME REWRITE! AS OSCAR SEASON APPROACHES, OUR MAN AT THE MOVIES HAS A FEW SCRIPT REVISIONS

January 22, 1996

Now playing at your local Sports Odoplex 32:

The Net. Former Dallas Maverick star Roy Tarpley gets used to
the required headwear for his new job at Burger King.

Get Shorty. Seven-foot-seven Washington Bullet center Gheorghe
Muresan plots revenge on 7'6" New Jersey Net center Shawn Bradley.

Leaving Las Vegas. Tragicomedy starring Don King's stable of
fighters, who try to scrape together enough money to get back
home after King takes his cut of their purses.

Clueless. Filmmakers spend a week at the American Radio Sports
Talk Show Hosts convention. Featured seminars include Why Look
Something Up When You Can Just Ask Your Listeners to Call In the
Answer? and Cowboys Suck: Fact or Fiction?

Sense and Sensibility. Toronto Maple Leaf cementhead Tie Domi
discovers two more things he was born without.

Dangerous Minds. Barry Switzer and Steve Spurrier get together
to discuss big-game strategy. (Nobody will be admitted during
the last 60 minutes.)

Dead Man Walking. Cliffhanger on the career of
just-barely-employed Detroit Lion coach Wayne Fontes. In the
final scene team owner William Clay Ford tells reporters, "Well,
he didn't quit and I didn't fire him, so I guess he'll be back."

12 Monkeys. Behind-the-scenes look at the men currently involved
in the ongoing baseball labor negotiations.

Seven. Harvard physicists determine how many guys it would take
to give the Chicago Bulls a decent game.

Four Rooms. Low-budget drama based on all the places Cleveland
Brown owner Art Modell can go now without fearing for his life.

Bio-Dome. Futuristic thriller in which scientists shrink
themselves and enter Dick Vitale's brain to see why he yells so
much.

Smoke. A retrospective on the golfing career of John Daly,
centering on his pack-a-nine habit and what's left of his tees
after he hits his driver.

Waiting to Exhale. New York Jet offensive lineman Carlton
Haselrig strives to outlast a highway patrolman's Breathalyzer.

Grumpier Old Men. Hilarious comedy starring the Baseball Writers
Association of America. In this sequel the crotchety writers
can't find anyone good enough to vote into the Hall of Fame, get
into a fistfight over a box of four-color pens and complain
about the tip jar at the end of the nightly free buffet line.

Restoration. An NCAA report brings joy to Los Angeles when it
points out that the city does too still have a professional
football team--USC.

A Man of No Importance. The Fred Edelstein Story.

Mortal Kombat. Nebraska seniors hold a spelling bee.

Heat. Former Green Bay Packer guard Jerry Kramer describes the
difference between the two biggest Packer-Cowboy games in the
last 28 years.

Cutthroat Island. The Kansas City Chiefs' field goal
kicker/goat, Lin Elliott, takes a vacation.

While You Were Sleeping. Highlights of Joe Montana's first year
in broadcasting. Short: CBS's Terry Donahue explains everything
he knows about color commentary (1 minute, 20 seconds).

Naked Lunch. Somebody finally lends Charles Barkley the money he
needs to buy a Big Mac.

Little Women. An inside look at Spud Webb's black book.

Crumb. A roundtable discussion in which waiters and busboys at
Buster Douglas's favorite restaurant discuss the only thing he
has ever left on his plate.

Georgia. Thirty-year-old imposter "Ron McKelvey" reveals the
only major football team he has not played for.

Show Girls. Barnstorming with the U.S. women's national
basketball team as it obliterates the country's leading college
teams. For mature audiences only.

Six Degrees of Separation. Dallas Cowboy megastar Deion Sanders
reveals how far he is able to get from his cellular phone
without needing therapy.

Braveheart. The epic story of the owner of the Tampa Bay Bucs
and his search for somebody who would be willing to coach his
team.

The Madness of King George. New York Yankee owner George
Steinbrenner is found to have a rare mental disorder after he
trades most of his best players so he can pay millions to
pitcher Kenny Rogers, who can't even make a decent rotisserie
chicken.

Dazed and Confused. Absentminded new Miami Dolphin coach Jimmy
Johnson falls back into his old Miami habits and begins sneaking
BMWs under the table to players, who, in this case, already own
dealerships.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: EVANGELOS VIGLIS [Drawing of basketball player wearing net on head while cooking in fast-food restaurant]
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)