Wishful Thinking Our intrepid reporter wouldn't want to put words in anybody's mouth, but...

January 12, 1998

Please, please, please, let us read these quotes in 1998.

"Hell, yes, I quit. I shoulda been fired. All I did was take the
damn Super Bowl champions and turn 'em into Rice." --BARRY
SWITZER

"I don't play for personal recognition. I don't play for money.
What's important to me is the team. T-E-A-M." --Scottie Pippen

" " --DAN DIERDORF

"So I decided, Who was I kidding? No way in hell I was going to
make par from there. Eight or nine maybe, but not par. So I took
my bogey, and I was happy with it." --TIGER WOODS

"My next project? A four-hour epic on the Florida Marlins."
--JAMES CAMERON Titanic Director

"Get open underneath. I'll pass it to you." --ALLEN IVERSON

"Sometimes I look at the things I do and I think, God, what an
ass." --JEFF GEORGE

"Look, I'm not afraid to say it. I'm going to hit 70 this year.
Watch me. Follow me. Put me on Nightline every night. I get paid
boatloads to play. I can handle it." --KEN GRIFFEY JR.

"I'll have the cottage cheese plate, please." --RICK MAJERUS

"Something in a men's dress shirt, please. Button-down, if
you've got it." --DENNIS RODMAN

"All I can say is, 'Wow!' I mean, first the bleacher falls on
Nick Faldo at 16, and then the cops take Fred Couples away at
17, and then my four-iron at 18 bounces off Butler Cabin,
through the pan of peach cobbler and into the hole for the win!
I mean, am I the luckiest guy on earth or what?" --GREG NORMAN

"I'm not going to stand up here anymore after fights and say I
did it in the name of Jesus. Do you think Jesus gets some kind
of joy out of me turning a guy's face into an omelette?"
--EVANDER HOLYFIELD

"I guess it finally hit me how wrong I've been all these years
to put my name on these ridiculous $159 basketball shoes. I
mean, what the hell is patent leather doing on a basketball shoe
anyway? So, I'm announcing today a cool new shoe that any kid
can own. It's $39.95, and I'm going to wear it in games.
Nobody's going to have to take out a second mortgage to buy it.
Basically, anything over $40 for a basketball shoe is a joke
anyway." --MICHAEL JORDAN

"I decided I can play the French Open the next 20 years. How
many senior proms do I get to go to?" --MARTINA HINGIS

"I don't know what I'm doing in all these ads anyway. I'm a 12
handicap." --EARL WOODS

"I feel kind of bad about this, I really do. The whole thing's
been a put-on. My name rhymes with toy, just like it looks. I'm
from Huntsville. The whole French thing was just me jerking
y'all's chain a little." --PATRICK ROY

"I guess I just couldn't stand it anymore, seeing schoolkids get
shot up with semiautomatics. I guarantee you, nobody I hunt with
needs a 9mm Heckler and Koch semiautomatic to shoot a rabbit.
We're done with them. Starting today, we'll work to ban all
semi- and fully automatic guns. We need to get a whole lot of
blood off our hands." --MARION HAMMER NRA President

"An autobiography? At 17? What am I going to write about? The
Beanie Baby years?" --MICHELLE KWAN

"Tell the director to stick it. I've got to work on my free
throws." --SHAQUILLE O'NEAL

"We have sucked. We still suck. We're going to keep sucking for
the foreseeable future. So we're cutting ticket prices." --ANY
BASEBALL OWNER

"I can't tell you what this means to me. To be world champion
and the Super Bowl MVP after being humiliated so many times. I'm
speechless, really. So I'm retiring right now, happy, satisfied
and still able to walk my daughters down the aisle without
looking like something out of The Hunchback of Notre Dame."
--JOHN ELWAY

"Hmmm. 'Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.'" --AL DAVIS

THREE COLOR ILLUSTRATIONS: EVANGELOS VIGLIS [Drawing of donkey wearing Oakland Raiders helmet; drawing of Dennis Rodman wearing men's dress shirt; drawing of hand holding reduced-price ticket to baseball game]

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)