Need An Excuse? Take It From The Pros

March 16, 1998

Hey, kids! Next time you're in serious doo-doo, do what big
leaguers do: Deny, alibi and justify! It's easy with this handy
annotated excuse card! Just cut it out, keep it in your pocket
and use it the next time the heat's on you!

I didn't do anything wrong.[1] I was taking allergy
medication.[2] I don't think I was inflicting any danger on
myself or others on the road. I was feeling fine.... I don't
think I failed the tests.[3]

Don't forget, I'm 60 years old.[4] I was sleepy, very sleepy.
Plus, I was very dazed by the accident.[5] Besides, how am I
supposed to walk a straight line with my recurrent knee injury?[6]

I was harassed by the police, the whole nine yards.[7] The
police arrested me to cover up their own negligence.[8] The
officer disrespected me in front of my peers.[9]

I didn't do any. It was just the significant amount of time that
I spend (around) marijuana users.[10] I did send him
information.... That's all I sent.... But there was no drugs in
it.[11]

It's all lies.... There was some high jinks going on.
Partying.[12] I was told it was a good place to get a
deep-tissue massage.[13] Actually, I'm shocked and amazed to be
arrested at all in this matter.[14] And these handcuffs are
scratching my Rolex.[15]

They were flimsy, anyway. All you had to do was sit on them, and
they'd break.[16] Plus, I'm overweight. I put on a lot of weight
in the off-season, and it makes me unstable.[17]

This is character assassination ... false assumptions,
misrepresentations and innuendos.[18] This is the greatest
travesty I've ever seen.[19] I've been verbally abused.[20] Even
if I did do this, it would have to have been because I loved her
very much, right?[21]

Well, that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.[22]

[1]Anaheim Mighty Ducks defenseman Dmitri Mironov after
swearing at a referee, smashing his stick, nearly hitting an
official and getting a game misconduct penalty.

[2]Boston Red Sox outfielder Mo Vaughn's reason, stated by his
lawyer, for failing eight sobriety tests (when asked to recite
the alphabet, he couldn't get past P) and refusing to take a
Breathalyzer during an arrest for drunken driving.

[3]New York Mets outfielder Bernard Gilkey, when asked about a
police report on his DWI arrest. According to the report, he
swayed from side to side during sobriety tests and, when told to
close his eyes and bring his outstretched finger to his nose,
hit his mouth.

[4]Dallas Cowboys coach Barry Switzer on how he could've
forgotten he was carrying a loaded revolver when he passed
through an airport security check.

[5]More reasons given by Vaughn's lawyer for the failed
sobriety tests.

[6]Another reason Vaughn's lawyer gave for the failed sobriety
tests.

[7]Cincinnati Bengals running back Corey Dillon after being
arrested for DUI, driving with a suspended license, running over
a curb, refusing to take a field sobriety test and refusing to
take a blood-alcohol test.

[8]Vaughn's lawyer's charge that the blame for Vaughn's crashing
his pickup truck into an abandoned car should be laid on the
Massachusetts state police for not having removed the car, which
had broken down and been left on the highway shoulder for 13
hours. During that time thousands of other motorists had driven
by it without incident.

[9]Philadelphia 76ers forward Derrick Coleman on his arrest for
disorderly conduct at a Detroit nightclub. (Coleman's case ended
in a mistrial.).

[10]Canadian Olympic officials' explanation for why
snowboarding gold medalist Ross Rebagliati failed a test for
marijuana in Nagano. Rebagliati said he hadn't smoked the weed
in 10 months but probably tested positive because of inhaling
second-hand smoke at a snowboarders' party.

[11]Jerry Poe, a high school teammate of former Red Sox manager
Butch Hobson, after Hobson was arrested with an overnight
package from Poe containing two grams of cocaine.

[12]Agent for Charlotte Hornets power forward Anthony Mason,
maintaining his client's innocence on statutory rape charges
after an alleged night of sex with two teenage girls, one 14 and
the other 15. Mason denies that the encounter took place.

[13]San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice after police
found him in a massage parlor they suspect was used for
prostitution.

[14]New England Patriots running back Dave Meggett's reaction,
according to his lawyer, after being arrested on charges of
sexual assault and robbery of a 33-year-old Toronto woman, who
said Meggett continued to have sex with her after his condom
broke and then "took back" some cash he had given her "as a gift."

[15]Meggett at the time of his arrest. He denies the assault
and robbery charges.

[16]U.S. Olympic hockey player Jeremy Roenick, on the chairs that
were damaged as part of the ransacking of three rooms by U.S.
players at the Olympic Village in Nagano.

[17]More reasons Vaughn failed the sobriety tests, according to
his lawyer. (Vaughn was acquitted of the drunken driving charge.)

[18]John Spano, prospective New York Islanders buyer, reacting to
charges from team owners that he did not have sufficient capital
to acquire the team. Spano would later plead guilty in federal
court to four counts of fraud for using phony documents to
inflate his net worth.

[19]Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight, after engaging in a long
shouting match with and then being ejected by Big Ten referee
Ted Valentine, who has worked three of the last four Final Fours.

[20]Golden State Warriors guard Latrell Sprewell after choking his
coach, P.J. Carlesimo, leaving the gym and then returning 20
minutes later and threatening to kill him.

[21]Hall of Fame running back O.J. Simpson on suspicions that he
murdered his wife.

[22]Former NFL receiver Alex Hawkins, who arrived home at 6 a.m.
after a night of carousing but claimed that he had fallen asleep
at midnight on the porch hammock, upon being told by his wife
that she had removed the hammock two weeks earlier.

B/W PHOTO: ROBERT BECK [Rick Reilly]

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)