Hey, This Turning 40 Ain't So Bad After All

April 13, 1998
April 13, 1998

Table of Contents
April 13, 1998

Pro Football

Hey, This Turning 40 Ain't So Bad After All

I turned 40 recently. Asked what I wanted, I said, "The Perfect

This is an article from the April 13, 1998 issue Original Layout

6 a.m.--Alarm rings.

6:01--Smash alarm with two-iron.

9:15--Wake up on own.

9:16--Reintroduce self to Heather Locklear.

9:20--Gabrielle Reece brings breakfast in bed--wearing only
sports page.

9:21--Open sports page.

10:21--Read sports page. See that Bobby Knight and Albert Belle
hospitalized after freak revolving-door accident.

10:30--Enjoy wholesome breakfast of BBQ chicken wings,
chili-cheese fries and Guinness. Forget to eat anything good for

10:42--Wipe face on guest towels.

10:43--Forget to do crunches. Forget to shave. Take one-hour

11:53--Put on fleece sweatpants, favorite ratty Valparaiso
sweatshirt and prized BUFFALO BILLS WORLD CHAMPS hat.

11:55--Dealership delivers silver Porsche Boxster. Custom set of
Callaways in trunk. Vertebra-snappingly gorgeous redheaded
caddie riding shotgun.

12:01 p.m.--World Cup canceled.

12:20--Exhilarating drive to airport on state highway patrols'
National Give a Warning Day.

12:30--Board private Gulfstream V for flight to Cypress Point
Golf Club. Met on board by commissioners of major pro leagues.

1:05--Satisfying accords reached onboard: Patrick Ewing to be
called for traveling every time he touches ball, cliched dumping
of Gatorade on NFL coaches outlawed, bicuspid-bashing goons
banned from NHL but made mandatory at major league baseball
owners' meetings. Commissioners praise wisdom, parachute out.

1:37--Track canceled.

1:38--Field canceled.

1:55--Greeted at airport by Cypress Point chairman, who
compliments me on adhering to club's new no-collared-shirt rule.

2:00--Lunch of BBQ wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness.

2:08--Wipe face on club blazer of nearby member.

2:30--Enjoy leisurely warmup. Certain rich cablinasian pays up
on long-drive contest.

2:45--Tee off with Sultan of Brunei, Bill Gates and Tom Lehman.
Tom and I agree to take bastard sandbaggers on, $100,000 a hole,
straight up, except Tom gets one floating mulligan on par-5s.

2:47--Katarina Witt and entire cast from Hooters on Ice drive up
in golf cart and ask if we need anything from their roving,
complimentary, single-malt-scotch bar.

4:15--After playing front nine in 90 minutes and 35 shots, agree
to let Sultan and Microchip Boy press the back.

6:00--Sign for satisfying 64, highlighted by aces on tricky 15th
and 16th. Score qualifies for this week's Masters.

6:05--Bets settled, I graciously buy a beer for losers to share.
Sultan leaves somewhat abruptly but not before signing over deed
to Florida panhandle.

6:10--Plane departs. Lawrence Phillips sucked into engine upon

6:15--On flight back caddie gives relaxing casaba-oil massage;
then a nap.

7:30--Arrive refreshed in Seattle for Bulls-Sonics game. Get
seated courtside between Alan Greenspan and Warren Buffett, who
exchange insider stock tips.

8:01--Bryant Gumbel canceled.

8:45--Have lucky seat number, swish million-dollar half-court
shot, sign 10-day Bulls contract and suit up immediately.

9:57--Make move that twists Gary Payton into Picasso painting,
then nail jumper to win game.

10:45--Dinner with Michael Ovitz, who interrupts enjoyment of
BBQ wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness with plan for
multimillion-dollar Bic pen endorsement.

11:01--Wipe face on Ovitz's Joseph Abboud suit.

11:05--Meet Charles Barkley for postgame relaxation.

11:06--Barkley graciously allows me to throw first fan through
plate-glass window.

1 a.m.--Swimsuit model Heidi Klum begins foot massage in
par-5-length limo, suggests strip poker. She's not holding any

2:30--Discover 432 unpublished columns by Damon Runyon in bottom
dresser drawer.

2:35--Watch highlights of Pat Riley going bald in single day.

2:36--Forget to floss.

Barkley graciously allows me to throw first fan through
plate-glass window