We Feel Their Pane

December 28, 1998

Secure your safety goggles, take two steps back and get ready for
the first Chuckie Awards, in which we take the people in sports
who suffered the most serious cases of cranial-rectal inversion
in 1998 and chuck each of them through a plate-glass window.

The Chuckies are named in honor of Charles Barkley, who one
night in 1997 became so displeased with the behavior of a fan in
an Orlando bar that he pitched the guy through a picture window.
When asked later if he regretted it, Barkley replied, "I regret
we weren't on a higher floor."

So grab hold of the belt loops of this year's chuckees, count
one, two, three, and heave....

Kansas State football coach BILL SNYDER, who told reporters he
felt "the same kind of feelings" about his 11-1 Wildcats' having
to accept a bid to the lowly Alamo Bowl as he did about the death
of his mother and the crippling injury that his daughter
sustained in a car wreck. Nice, Coach. We're going to pitch you
through the glass now, so you can really find out what it's like
to be shattered.

The new WNBA BARBIE, who's got lustrous hair, a big red
hairbrush and looks as if she would make a WNBA team right after
Dolly Parton. In fact, if you extrapolate WNBA Barbie's
dimensions onto a real woman, she would be 6'2", with a 26-inch
waist and a 42-inch bust. Sounds like the doll you see hanging
around NBA hotel lobbies: Paternity Suit Barbie.

FUZZY ZOELLER, who said the media were burying him by not
letting his 1997 racist jokes about Tiger Woods die and then
made a shameful TV ad in '98 cashing in on them. In a commercial
for Daiwa golf clubs, Zoeller says to a priest, "Forgive me, for
I have sinned." The camera then pulls back to show that Zoeller
is talking about the forgiving qualities of the clubs. We'll
pitch Fuzz through a stained-glass window.

Officer THOMAS MOYER, the Las Vegas cop who in October sued Mike
Tyson for swinging at him in the ring during the July 1997
pay-per-chew chaos with Evander Holyfield. Moyer, who was trying
to restrain Tyson, stepped between the two fighters before Tyson
could finish his meal. Apparently, Moyer was
shocked--shocked--that people wearing boxing gloves inside a
boxing ring occasionally swing at people. Hey, Officer, can we
toss you through this window right here, or would you rather
come downtown?

NIKE, which announced last January that it was "no coincidence"
the Denver Broncos made the Super Bowl in the first season that
they wore their new form-fitting Nike uniforms. Gag me with a
swoosh.

LATRELL SPREWELL, who not only sued the NBA alleging, among other
things, that employees in the league office shredded evidence
that would've proved his innocence, but also his agent for not
setting up his contract so that he could freely commit aggravated
assault on his coach without being cut from the team. Next,
Sprewell plans to sue his manicurist, whose willful and gross
negligence caused Sprewell to leave incriminating marks.

NFL referee PHIL LUCKETT, whose crew blew two game-deciding
calls in back-to-back assignments. Luckett screwed up a coin
toss and 10 days later allowed the touchdown call to stand on
Vinny Testaverde's non-TD. Unfortunately, when we tried to throw
Luckett through the window, he didn't break the pane.

Toronto Blue Jays manager TIM JOHNSON, who admitted he stretched
the truth until it snapped about his role in the Vietnam War.
Johnson was a Marine, all right, but he merely taught troops in
Southern California and wasn't the Rambo portrayed in the combat
yarns he'd spun for years. After confessing, Johnson said, "It's
like somebody has taken a 50,000-pound weight off my shoulders."
Yep, he's over that exaggeration problem entirely.

NBA commissioner DAVID STERN and players' union executive
director BILLY HUNTER, who have spent less time together in the
same room than Dr. Richard Kimble and the one-armed man. We'd
love to throw them both through a window, but they're such
lightweights, they'd probably bounce off.

Minnesota Vikings linebacker DWAYNE RUDD, who, as he returned a
fumble 94 yards near the end of the Vikings' 48-22 crushing of
the Chicago Bears, slowed to a walk as he approached the goal
line, turned and urged a Chicago player to hustle after him, and
then waved the ball at the Bear before spiking it. Not to worry,
Dwayne, we're pitching you out a very small window.

Of a 767.

COLOR PHOTO: DANA FINEMAN/SYGMA [Rick Reilly]

Stern and Hunter have spent less time together in the same room
than Dr. Richard Kimble and the one-armed man.

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)