DON'T MISS

Monday 4/5

Diamondbacks at Dodgers
ESPN 4 PM

According to this month's Harper's Index, the Pentagon will
spend more than $4 billion this year on its Star Wars program,
which is only a few hundred million less than the rest of us
have spent on licensed Star Wars merchandise since 1977. In
contrast, Kevin Brown (right) and Randy Johnson, the new
weapons--and toys--acquired by Los Angeles and Arizona,
respectively, will cost a mere $28 million in '99. As the
scheduled starters in this Opening Day matchup, Johnson and
Brown will deploy more of the heat-seeping missiles that last
season accounted for 586 strikeouts. At 10:30 p.m. on ESPN, the
Yankees plan to launch their own secondhand Rocket (Roger
Clemens), who recently took off from Toronto.

HIGHLIGHTS

Saturday 4/3

Golf: Links in Time
The History Channel 8 PM

If you're one of those dyed-in-the-shell golf nuts who have a
treasured videotape in your archives of the opening round of the
1993 Greater Fort Linda Open, you'll want to program your VCR for
this extravaganza, which is narrated by the cue card-challenged
Ken Venturi and does not--as the first word of the title assures
us--chronicle the history of sausage making. The Scots cited
expounded lyrically on the game; the daguerreotypes displayed are
exquisite. This is an ideal warmup for the Masters coverage,
which begins on USA on April 8 at 4 p.m.

Sunday 4/4

Family Circle Magazine Cup Final
FOX 1 PM

A couple has run an ad in Ivy League student newspapers offering
$50,000 for the egg of a lofty (5'10" or taller), athletic female
with no family history of serious illness and with SAT scores of
at least 1,400. Just two of the top 10 seeds (unfortunate word,
that) in this million-dollar Hilton Head tennis tournament meet
the height requirement--defending champ Amanda Coetzer is a mere
5'2"--and the father of 5'10 1/2" Monica Seles recently died of
cancer. Which leaves 6'2 1/2" Lindsay Davenport, the 1998 U.S.
Open champion. Odds are she'll be playing at center court and not
prepping at a Princeton Review center.

Tuesday 4/6

Iditarod Trail Dog Sled Race Highlights
USA 9 PM

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the mushers who race for glory;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
And they're more apt than not to be gory.
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was the night on the drifts of the Yukon
When a sled dog found a film crew to puke on.

W.C. Fields: Straight Up
AMC 10 PM

W.C. Fields was the Carl Hubbell of screwball comedy. In Million
Dollar Legs--a track and field farce set at the 1932 Olympics in
Los Angeles--he played the weightlifter president of Klopstokia,
where every citizen has outstanding athletic abilities. This
tribute doesn't have Legs, but it does feature a classic
billiards bit from Six of a Kind (as Sheriff "Honest John"
Hoxley, Fields turns his pool cue into a slap stick) and
tee-shot surrealism from the '30 short, The Golf Specialist in
which Fields, as club pro J. Effingham Bellweather, snaps at his
caddie, "Don't stand there! Don't you know I'll smite you in the
sconce with this truncheon?"

ALL TIMES EASTERN. SCHEDULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE. SOURCE:
NIELSEN SPORTS MARKETING SERVICE

COLOR PHOTO: CHUCK SOLOMON

THE RATING

8.7
Overnight rating in Miami for the Orioles-Cuban national team
game, 85% higher than the average local rating for Marlins games
last season.

THE ZAPPER

Twenty-five years have passed since O.J. Simpson first took part
in the Superstars competition, yet the 10 events that comprise
this weekend's taped CBS Sports Spectacular from Montego Bay
include no commemorative slo-mo Bronco run, no bloody-glove
scavenger hunt, no child custody tug-of-war. The 10 athletes on
hand this year, including Doug Flutie, Tommy Moe and Warren Sapp,
race on bikes, on foot and in kayaks, but not one plays a race
card.

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)