School Of Professional Athletics

Aug. 30, 1999
Aug. 30, 1999

Table of Contents
Aug. 30, 1999

1999 NFL Preview

School Of Professional Athletics

Dear Student:

This is an article from the Aug. 30, 1999 issue Original Layout

Lately critics of college sports have suggested that schools
face facts about the modern Division I athlete and provide a
major in pro sports. We at Colossus State University heard them.
That's why we've inaugurated the nation's first School of
Professional Athletics (SPA).

To enroll in the SPA, please fill out this application using the
crayon provided. Then return the form as soon as possible, as we
have an unusually high number of football players to sneak
through the admissions office this year.

Thank you,
Colossus State University

(Please mark boxes with an X)

Choose your freshman housing:

--Barry Switzer Athletic Hall and Firing Range
--Delta Gramma Blow fraternity house
--Hotel Nikko at Beverly Hills

You would like to be awakened for your noon classes by:

--Cell phone
--Room service
--A gentle nudge from a recruiting hostess

For purposes of on-campus parking, your current handicap is:

--Attention deficit disorder
--Advanced narcissism

Which would you like attached to your illicitly obtained
handicapped parking pass:

--Lincoln Navigator
--Lexus 400
--Cameron Diaz

Choose one of the following electives (this means you don't have
to attend the class):

--Women's Studies: Women are studied--and may be tipped.

--Accounting for Your Whereabouts (formerly History of the
Alibi): Students learn that they can be sleeping, packing their
bags and/or chipping in the backyard all at the same time!
Prerequisite: Heisman Trophy.

--The Poetry of Moses Malone: Students study the rhyme scheme and
complex cadence of Malone's brilliant Fo' fo' fo'. This class
also fulfills all math requirements.

--Know Your Squad Car: Students learn how to keep from bumping
their heads getting in and out of a black-and-white, plus what
the most fashionable pro athletes are wearing over their heads.

--Thermodynamics: The amazing Thermos[TM] keeps hot things hot,
cold things cold. How does it know? (May be combined with The
Meadowlands: Not Really a Good Picnic Area.)

Choose one core requirement (this means a tutor will attend the
class for you):

--Pro Athlete as Rebellious Slave: Knicks forward Larry Johnson
teaches students how to cope with the humiliation of living on
$10 million a year.

--All That Glitters Is Probably Around Your Neck: Students learn
to wear enough jewelry to sink an oil derrick. Prerequisite:
Chiropractic 600.

--Human Anatomy: The physiques of Nate Newton, Gilbert Brown and
Cecil Fielder are systematically studied. Bring lunch.

--Great Fiction: Students learn to write their own official
statements, including...

"I know it's my autobiography, but I'm telling you, I never read

"Well, what was his face doing there in the first place?"

"I sincerely apologize for dragging Ms. [woman's name] down the
stairs. I didn't realize there was an elevator."

--Economics: How the gross national products of all developing
nations compare to that of the Dodgers' Kevin Brown.

Each SPA student must take a hands-on science lab. Choose one:

--Nebraska chemistry
--Ben Johnson's refrigerator
--Laundry day at Michael Irvin's

Care to try one of our one-week SPA workshops?

--Balance Your Checkbook: Students enjoy a very "profitable"
learning experience in which superagent Tank Black writes
athletes "practice" checks, which they deposit into their
"personal" accounts.

--The Suzuki Method: Students discover how to win the Heisman
Trophy now that Suzuki customers can vote on it. Students learn
essential phrases such as, "Whoa, nice Suzuki! How would you like
to earn 50 bucks?"

--Modern Photography. Former members of the Miami Dolphins teach
you how to get your photo taken from the front and the side.

Incoming basketball freshman: When do you anticipate leaving

--After freshman year is completed
--After freshman season is completed

Signature: ____________________________________
(Make another X)