You'll need a Number 2 pencil to complete this column. It's a
fully interactive, multiple-choice poem that lets you be the
critic. How does it work? Simple. Following the first three
lines of each stanza are three punch lines in parentheses.
Choose one, cross out the others. Result: Epic poetry and
withering punditry, by a real media thumb-sucker--you.
Would someone drop a cartoon anvil
Atop cartoonish Jerry Glanville?
Oh, the silly things he says.
(He ought to wear a Shriner's fez.)
(If goats could vote he'd be our Prez.)
(I've seen wiser heads dispensing Pez.)
Has John Thompson of TNT's
Broadcast team turned Japanese?
He seems to speak a foreign tongue
(Dutch, perhaps, or maybe Hmong.)
(And flop-sweats worse than Dennis Fung.)
(Is this why rodents eat their young?)
If I received a single Cheez-It
Each time Dick Vitale yelled, "FREEZE IT!"
I could build a great big cracker.
(No, I don't mean Billy Packer.)
(Big enough to plug his yakker.)
(Take on Orville Redenbacher.)
November 29, 1999
Held hostage to the Airport Channel,
Even the most patient man'll
Become a creature by Fellini--
(Scarred by too much Vince Cellini.)
("Life is ugly," cries Benigni.)
(Barkeep, please, a dry martini.)
Brent Musburger, ABC Sports:
You're hereby invited to eat my shorts.
Should they prove unappetizin'
(Overnight them to Rich Eisen.)
(FedEx them to Joe Theismann.)
(Take them in for Martinizin'.)
Steve Lyons, aggressively goofy,
Puts me to sleep: He's two parts roofie.
His comatose shtick--"Psycho Analysis"--
(Is old enough to be George Halas's.)
(Gives my MUTE-ing thumb its calluses.)
(Is lower-brow than Charlie Callas's.)
Monday Nitro, Raw is War--
Who, pray tell, are these shows for?
Those who spend their Monday nights
(Cheering greased-up men in tights.)
(Jeering hairless men in fights.)
(Leering over GLOW Web sites.)
Campaign 2000's going badly.
Consider former Knick Bill Bradley:
Blithely courting Reed and Cousy
(While eight-year-olds can buy an Uzi.)
(Will Trump's girlfriend become First Floozy?)
(Wake me up on Super Tuesday.)
Announcers, heed this declaration.
The penalty, in TV nation,
For excessive telestration:
(Jackie Sherrillesque castration.)
(Quaffing lemur perspiration.)
(Turkish prison molestation.)
Feeling chronically fatigued?
Someone has to say, Commissioner:
(Sundays are longer than books by Michener.)
(If this keeps up, I'll become a parishioner.)
(Edgerrin James should try a conditioner.)
During wind-whipped reportage
Lesley Visser pays homage
To all kinds of untamed 'dos--
(Cousin It's and Fu Manchu's.)
(Shaggy's in old Scooby Doos.)
(Those of some Hasidic Jews.)
To all whose names are up above:
I only kid because I love.
I'm forced to cover the media scene
(And eat my colleagues like Idi Amin.)
(Clearly I suffer low self-esteem.)
(TNT's Thompson should rip out my spleen.)