All the Answers In a long-awaited comeback, Carnac turns his powers of divination to sports

May 07, 2000

Answer: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. (Question:
What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?) A:
Kumquat. (Q: What do you say when calling your quat?)

During Johnny Carson's 30-year reign as host of The Tonight Show
on NBC, viewers were treated to these and other prophecies
presented in this manner, the insights of a mysterious visitor
from the East--seer, sage, soothsayer: Carnac the Magnificent.
"Touchback," Carnac would divine, before opening an envelope to
reveal the question: "What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas
Cowboys cheerleader touches you?" Alas, Carnac rarely used his
mystifying powers to solve the riddles of sport. Until now. So I
hold in my hand 18 envelopes. As a child of four can plainly
see, they've been hermetically sealed and kept in a mayonnaise
jar on Funk & Wagnalls's porch since noon today. No one--no
one!--knows the contents of these envelopes. But Carnac, in his
divine and borderline mystical way, will ascertain the answers
to the questions without ever before having seen them.

Carnac: I must have absolute silence....

Answer: Rusty Wallace.

Question: What do you get if you don't oil your Wallace?

A: Rugby.

Q: What be on Marv Albert's head?

A: Pete Rose and Norman Fell.

Q: What happened when Pete and Norman got on a seesaw?

A: Ernie Banks.

Q: Where do wealthy men keep their Ernies?

A: High and outside.

Q: Describe J.R. Rider at a picnic.

A: The brushback.

Q: What does Gene Keady's barber never ask for?

A: Touched by an Angel.

Q: What do waitresses get at the Anaheim Hooters?

A: Manute Bol.

Q. What do you say when Manute's facing a 7-10 split?

A: Near beer.

Q: Where is John Daly right now?

A: Jumbo Ozaki.

Q: At the movies, what costs 25 cents more than the medium
Ozaki?

A: Clean and jerk.

Q: In two words, describe Bobby Knight.

A: Goodyear blimp.

Q: What do Tony Gwynn's teammates say to him every October?

A: Trifecta.

Q: What should you do if you've never had Fecta?

A: Pac Bell Park.

Q: For an extra $2 million a year, what would Chan Ho Park
change his name to?

A: Fungoes.

Q: What's the first thing that goes when you're traded to
the Clippers?

A: Pulled hamstring.

Q: What's the primary ingredient in a pulled pork sandwich?

A: Doc Rivers.

Q: Name a successful urologist.

A: Dick Trickle.

Q: Who should see Doc Rivers?

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)