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Answer Authority When Carnac does sports, you can't get the right question until you ask the right answer

Aug. 28, 2000
Aug. 28, 2000

Table of Contents
Aug. 28, 2000

NFL Preview 2000

Answer Authority When Carnac does sports, you can't get the right question until you ask the right answer

Welcome once again our mysterious visitor from the East--seer,
sage, soothsayer--Carnac the Magnificent, who will, in his
divine and mystical way, ascertain the answers to your sports
questions without ever having seen them.

This is an article from the Aug. 28, 2000 issue

Ready, Oh Great One?

Carnac: I must have absolute silence....

Answer: Haywoode Workman
Question: How do you greet the guy who comes to do your woodwork?

A: Bimbo Coles
Q: What do naughty Lakers Girls find in their Christmas stockings?

A: Sacrifice bunt
Q: What should you do if a gunman demands your bundt cake?

A: Buck privates
Q: What do you see in Milwaukee's locker room?

A: Grant Fuhr
Q: Should John Rocker grant more interviews or fewer?

A: X-rays
Q: What do all Tampa Bay Devil Rays hope to become?

A: The PGA
Q: Where do dyslexics shop for khakis?

A: Whitey Ford
Q: Name two things you didn't see much of on the podium at the
Republican National Convention.

A: Dysentery
Q: What's Howie Long always doing on Fox?

A: Dude ranch
Q: What does Lenny Dykstra tell a waiter when asked his
salad-dressing preference?

A: Ali Baba
Q: What did sheep shout at boxing matches?

A: Junior Seau
Q: What does Ken Griffey say when he's hit by a pitch?

A: HBO
Q: What's that awful stench on wrestler Triple H?

A: Curly Neal
Q: What does the Queen say when knighting a Stooge?

A: Corking his bat
Q: What act of animal cruelty was Dracula guilty of?

A: Drew Barrymore
Q: The Atlanta Hawks should play Jason Terry less and...

A: Fred Funk
Q: After three days without a shower, what will you find on your
fred?

A: Jamaican jerk chicken
Q: In three words, describe Ben Johnson.

A: Marion Jones
Q: What does Elizabeth Taylor have?

A: Pearl Jam
Q: What's that stuff between Earl Monroe's toes?

A: Butch Huskey
Q: In two words, describe Renee Richards.

A: Flutie Flakes
Q: Why does Mrs. Flutie buy Head & Shoulders?

A: Mo Vaughn
Q: What should you do when your vaughn gets too long?

A: Down and dirty
Q: Describe Pat Riley's pillow.

A: Gooseberry
Q: Since his divorce, what can David Justice no longer do?

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO