Answer Authority When Carnac does sports, you can't get the right question until you ask the right answer

August 27, 2000

Welcome once again our mysterious visitor from the East--seer,
sage, soothsayer--Carnac the Magnificent, who will, in his
divine and mystical way, ascertain the answers to your sports
questions without ever having seen them.

Ready, Oh Great One?

Carnac: I must have absolute silence....

Answer: Haywoode Workman
Question: How do you greet the guy who comes to do your woodwork?

A: Bimbo Coles
Q: What do naughty Lakers Girls find in their Christmas stockings?

A: Sacrifice bunt
Q: What should you do if a gunman demands your bundt cake?

A: Buck privates
Q: What do you see in Milwaukee's locker room?

A: Grant Fuhr
Q: Should John Rocker grant more interviews or fewer?

A: X-rays
Q: What do all Tampa Bay Devil Rays hope to become?

A: The PGA
Q: Where do dyslexics shop for khakis?

A: Whitey Ford
Q: Name two things you didn't see much of on the podium at the
Republican National Convention.

A: Dysentery
Q: What's Howie Long always doing on Fox?

A: Dude ranch
Q: What does Lenny Dykstra tell a waiter when asked his
salad-dressing preference?

A: Ali Baba
Q: What did sheep shout at boxing matches?

A: Junior Seau
Q: What does Ken Griffey say when he's hit by a pitch?

A: HBO
Q: What's that awful stench on wrestler Triple H?

A: Curly Neal
Q: What does the Queen say when knighting a Stooge?

A: Corking his bat
Q: What act of animal cruelty was Dracula guilty of?

A: Drew Barrymore
Q: The Atlanta Hawks should play Jason Terry less and...

A: Fred Funk
Q: After three days without a shower, what will you find on your
fred?

A: Jamaican jerk chicken
Q: In three words, describe Ben Johnson.

A: Marion Jones
Q: What does Elizabeth Taylor have?

A: Pearl Jam
Q: What's that stuff between Earl Monroe's toes?

A: Butch Huskey
Q: In two words, describe Renee Richards.

A: Flutie Flakes
Q: Why does Mrs. Flutie buy Head & Shoulders?

A: Mo Vaughn
Q: What should you do when your vaughn gets too long?

A: Down and dirty
Q: Describe Pat Riley's pillow.

A: Gooseberry
Q: Since his divorce, what can David Justice no longer do?

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)