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Analyze This! The all-knowing Carnac again has the questions to sports' most pressing answers--even the one about Anna Kournikova's love life

Nov. 20, 2000
Nov. 20, 2000

Table of Contents
Nov. 20, 2000

College Basketball 2000-2001

Analyze This! The all-knowing Carnac again has the questions to sports' most pressing answers--even the one about Anna Kournikova's love life

In this season of Thanksgiving our next guest brings a
Carnacopia of wisdom: He is that mysterious visitor from the
East--seer, sage, soothsayer--Carnac the Magnificent, who will,
in his divine and mystical way, ascertain the answer to your
sports questions without ever having seen them. Ready, O Great
One?

This is an article from the Nov. 20, 2000 issue

Carnac: I must have absolute silence....

Answer: Bobby soxer

Question: What does Coach Knight do when Grandma gets on his
nerves?

A: Cleveland Browns

Q: What happens if you forget to water Grover Cleveland?

A: Sing Sing

Q: What does Ruben Boumtje Boumtje do in the shower?

A: Andy Pettitte

Q: What did Barney Fife say to Sheriff Taylor while showing him
his Shih Tzu?

A: Redskins-Eagles

Q: Why does the Audubon Society despise Red Auerbach?

A: Francophone

Q: Name two things in the Mets' bullpen.

A: Screwdriver

Q: What's the first item on a NASCAR groupie's to-do list?

A: Analyze

Q: Why does Kournikova say she loves me?

A: Art Howe

Q: What did Tonto say when meeting Garfunkel?

A: Warren Sapp

Q: What comes out when you tap former chief justice Earl Warren?

A: Take five

Q: What does Rick Majerus do when offered an hors d'oeuvre?

A: Lime Rickey

Q: What did the bartender ask Branch Rickey when handing him a
Corona?

A: Karl Marx

Q: What did Karl Mecklenburg leave on running backs?

A: Bambino

Q: What's the sound of Beano Cook exploding?

A: Wade Boggs

Q: What do Irishmen do in the rainy season?

A: Randy Moss

Q: What does a bog-wader find on his randy?

A: 'N Sync

Q: Where does Gene Keady look for his hair?

A: Beatniks

Q: What do Pacers do every spring?

A: UConn Huskies

Q: What do you do if you're a scam artist in Anchorage?

A: Tex-Mex

Q: What do you say when introducing Nolan Ryan to Lee Trevino?

A: Hirsute

Q: What did Heidi Klum forget to wear in the swimsuit issue?

A: Potpies

Q: Name two things that Khalid El-Amin enjoys inhaling.

A: Two minutes for roughing

Q: What did Red Ruffing's wife pencil into her date book every
year on their anniversary?

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO