Still in There Chuckin'

December 18, 2000

Time for the annual Chuckie Awards, named for skilled bar patron
Charles Barkley, who pitched an annoying fan through a
plate-glass window without spilling a drop of his own grog. The
Chuckies are given to the persons or groups in sports who most
deserve to be chucked through a window, preferably from the
second floor or above, onto a street full of dyspeptic
porcupines.

And the 2000 winners are....

Arnold Palmer, who, after appearing in ads for years in support
of the USGA and its rules, encouraged his Army to cheat like
Mafia accountants. At a press conference to endorse Callaway's
illegal ERC II driver, Palmer suggested that weekend golfers
shouldn't be restricted by the USGA's rules. It was like Jenny
Craig announcing, "Ahh, screw it! Triple fudge cake for
everybody!" (Hey, Arnie, don't consider your trip through the
window an insult. Consider it a free drop.)

Thirteen-handicap golfer Luis Somoza, the CEO of a Spanish
transportation company, who physically threatened Sergio Garcia
for giving him a bad yardage estimate at the Volvo Masters pro-am
in Jerez, Spain. On the 9th hole, a par 5, Somoza says he asked
Garcia how far it was to the flag. Garcia guessed 150 meters.
Somoza's shot came up well short of the green, at which point he
went after Garcia, wagging his finger in Garcia's face. Garcia
left the course immediately, before the two came to blows. (Hey,
Senor Somoza, how many meters you figure it is from here to the
window?)

The NBA, whose in-house magazine, Hoop, admitted airbrushing out
Allen Iverson's diamond earrings, neck tattoo and necklace before
using his picture on its cover. But why stop at tattoos? Let's
straighten his hair! Hell, let's just make him white! Next month
in Hoop, NBA three-point leader Tom Cruise!

Sixers guard Iverson, who defended the hate-filled lyrics in 40
Bars, his gangsta rap single, by saying, "If your kid goes out
and blows somebody's head off because Allen Iverson has said he
was going to blow somebody's head off on wax, then you're doing a
bad job as a parent." So, just to recap, a man whose motto is
Keep it real, uses his basketball fame to sell a lie to the kids
who believe in every move he makes. (Hey, Al, we like the outside
fine. It's the inside you need to work on.)

Fan Andrew Teller of Bellflower, Calif., who ran onto the field
at Dodger Stadium and mooned controversial Braves closer John
Rocker. "Everyone should be allowed to speak his mind," Teller
said, "and that's what I did." (That's where we figured you kept
it, Andrew.)

FIFA, the governing body of soccer, which fined the Zimbabwe
national soccer association $2,840 over the deaths of 13 fans in
a stampede during a World Cup qualifier in July--or $218.46 per
corpse.

CBS, which, at 6:40 p.m. EDT on May 14, abandoned a three-way
playoff in the Byron Nelson Classic involving Davis Love III,
Phil Mickelson and Jesper Parnevik. Only West Coast viewers saw
Parnevik win on the third playoff hole--at 6:58 EDT. CBS said it
had to cut away for the start of its hit newsmagazine, 59
Minutes.

South Philadelphia soccer parents and their relatives, whose
brawl at a game for 11- to 13-year-olds was broken up only after
eight cop cars and an ambulance had arrived. The wife of one
coach's brother and the fiancee of one of the referees went at
it, one throwing coffee in the face of the other. (It's unclear
whether the parents made a human tunnel for the kids afterward.)

Maryland basketball fans, who celebrated a huge upset of Duke by
tearing down a goalpost on the Terps' football field. (Then
again, have you seen Maryland's football team? When else are the
goalposts going to come down?)

Bratty Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, who soaked fans $10 to watch
preseason practices, meddled constantly in coaching decisions,
commanded coach Norv Turner to hang around after the Dec. 3 loss
to the Giants for two hours for a meeting that never happened,
fired Turner the next morning, gave the coaching job temporarily
to assistant Terry Robiskie (who told the media after his first
practice that he wouldn't even move his desk without first
checking with Snyder) and whined about a lack of leadership on
the team. For you, Danny boy, the penthouse window.

Congratulations to all the Chuckie winners. Enjoy the flight.

COLOR PHOTO: DANA FINEMAN/SYGMA

Maryland fans celebrated a huge basketball upset of Duke by
tearing down a goalpost on the Terps' football field.

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)